Trust

I'm afraid I have a couple of angst-filled posts left in me before I'm done. Forgive me and if you don't want to deal with this, I won't be offended (honestly, I won't even know).

I've been thinking a lot this evening about trust, honesty, chivalry, integrity, honor ... things like that. While I recognize that these things are missing in most relationships that we have these days, they are virtues that we yearn for - in our leadership, in close relationships, in ourselves.

There have been a lot of articles, blogs, stories, etc. regarding Christian leaders and their lack of moral fortitude and in the last few months I think this has overwhelmed me. It's not even the obvious things like pornography, sexual misconduct, embezzlement. It's things like gossip and lying, political plays and sweet words that don't mean a thing because there is nothing to back them up.

I have been having a lot of difficulty in figuring out who to trust. I grew up with a father whose word was his bond. What dad said was his reality. He had a backbone that was straight and strong. I trusted him. Especially as the leader of the churches that he pastored. He engendered trust immediately with the people around him and he never failed them. And that makes me a little emotional because that is the last pastor I've ever felt that I could believe in.

Dad preached against alcohol use and never drank. He preached against immorality and was faithful to my mom and after she died, to his second wife. He preached about financial responsibility and brought churches from near decimation to a healthy budget. He preached about giving and had over 20 different charities that he supported as well as tithing (not just giving) to his local church. He preached about service and went out of his way to help people around him, whether they went to his church or not. Dad was willing to live up to the standards that he set before his congregation and his family. He never gossiped about people within the community - except maybe with mom, but it was always out of earshot of us kids. We had no idea. He didn't allow a critical person to run another into the ground, he stood up for what he believed was right, with little regard to his reputation.

This man made it very difficult for me to become part of other churches and other ministries. He made me believe in the role of the pastor. And he made me believe that this role was so very important that only a very honorable man should be doing it. He didn't think it should be easy and he didn't think that any person could do it.

It has been painful to watch Christian leaders around the country fall apart morally. We question who to trust.

One of the first pastors I worked under after Dad moved away shocked me the first week I sat in the front of the congregation with him. He began pointing people out and telling me terrible things about them. He probably thought that it would flatter me - being taken into his confidence. He didn't know me well enough to do that and it shook me up. I knew that I couldn't trust him.

Then there was the pastor that left our congregation and within a few months of being in a higher position began having an affair. Rather than admitting his problem, he became belligerent and left his family. How could I trust him.

A pastor decided to personally attack me - a volunteer within his congregation - and tried to destroy me. The wounds from that took a long time to heal. I'll never trust him.

A pastor that followed Dad was so weak-willed that the church ran him around until he and his wife were forced to leave. I stayed for the first year of his ministry there and had to leave - it was too painful to watch.

A pastor in a large church here in Omaha that I had a lot of respect for has allowed his ego to overtake his ministry and has split his church.

So in my frustration I find myself wondering where God is going to place me. I'm not in any hurry, but I really don't know who to trust anymore for spiritual leadership. Who has the strength to stand up for everything they know is right - no matter the repercussions? Is there someone that places God before everything else? Will I ever see honor, integrity and honesty again? Will I recognize it when I see it?

Weird things in memory

I just picked up a piece of string, tied the ends and my fingers found their way into creating Jacob's Ladder. I learned how to do this when I was in elementary school and I must have done it so many times that my fingers can automatically perform the actions.

When I was very young, my mom taught me our telephone number and I can still remember that thing! (868-7817).

Yet I find it impossible to memorize scripture.

I have more telephone numbers in my memory than any one woman should. With the advent of cell phones with memory, I have fewer and fewer contemporary numbers, but old ones? Still got 'em. Credit card numbers from my past? Still there.

Yet I find it impossible to memorize scripture.

When I was in high school and had to participate in piano contests, I had to memorize my music. I would get it memorized and then be able to play the piece while reading a novel at the piano.

Yet I find it impossible to memorize scripture.

So what's the deal? I spend more time in the Bible than I do any other book. I have been working on memorizing scripture most of my life and yet ... I fail.

I have tried so many different types of Bible memorization. You have no idea.

This really frustrates me.

So, I just threw the string in the trash can. It was annoying me. Kind of taunting me that I can remember the simple things and yet the one thing that I desire to remember more than anything ... not happening.

I have weird things in my brain. I can't make them go away. I don't think I've achieved the limitations of memory storage in my brain.

Alright ... back at it: "In the beginning was the Word ..."

Regressing

I have a reality. I stay up all night and sleep during the day. Now that I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel with regards to my work days, my body is already telling me that the best part of the day happens after 8 pm. Last night I was up until 4 am. I really did try to go to bed earlier than that. But, I failed miserably. My poor little brain was awake and had things to say.

I still have commitments that make me get up in the morning - at least for another week, so I refused to give my brain permission to connect with the fingers (typing at a keyboard or writing on a pad). Silly me. I thought I could win! Alas, the brain won and I just didn't sleep.

I find myself regressing to a younger age when I had the freedom and the energy to stay up late. This actually makes me happy. I love it! The house is quiet. I get no phone calls and no one bothers me. The dog and the husband are snuggled under blankets, the only sound is my fingers clicking away on a keyboard, the only light is from my monitor.

When you are up at those odd hours ... check Facebook. I might have it open and we can chat.

Sitting Still - Moving Forward

Yup, I finally found time to be still and talk to God about all that has been going on between us the last few weeks.

With this quiet time, I began to get emotional about the losses I am facing. Daily interaction with friends, singing with the praise band, impacting a specific place in a positive way (my church).

You have to understand how much I rely on God to speak to me and guide me. I don't do much without assurances that He is guiding me. I know that for many people this makes complete sense and for others, it's much easier to question me about this than accept it. I'm fine with that either way. But, here it is. Peace comes when I trust God.

This morning as I was thinking through all of these losses, I began to understand what He has been saying to me more and more: "What you have experienced is nothing in comparison to what you will experience."

So often we try to replicate the good things of the past, to remind ourselves of the feelings and sensations surrounding those good things. We spend so much time with that we miss the excitement of new experiences.

This morning Max purchased a new mouse and mousepad for me. My mouse was working ok, but he knew that I was dealing with 'slowness of mouse' and that if I made a change I would be much happier. Oh my! I can't believe it. I didn't realize that I was crawling along with a muddy feeling mouse. I'm gliding around now ... what a joy!

As a Methodist pastor's daughter, I learned about change at an early age. Every 4-6 years we moved. We moved away from friends, from schools, from all that we were comfortable with. We would weep and grieve for the things that we were leaving behind, but I learned to look ahead with excitement. I would meet more people, make new friends, have chances available to me that weren't there in the past, yet have the foundation of all that I had learned in my past.

I'm really going to miss leading worship on Sunday mornings, being a part of a fellowship that was growing with the praise band. I'm going to miss hanging out with my friends every day. I'm going to miss the small groups that I was a part of. I'll probably get emotional about it every once in awhile.

I don't want to sit still when God says 'go.' I don't want to move when He says 'stop.' What I want to do is be sensitive to Him guiding me ... moment by moment.

I want to experience the fullness of a life well-lived in His will. Which means I don't try to return to the things of the past ... but look forward with excitement to where we go next.

Slow Down

"Goodness and mercy are following you today... they are hot on your heels!"

I just read those words on Israel Houghton's Twitter. They stopped me.

The images in my mind were of me on a mad dash through my day - flames coming out of my heels as I ran through all I had to do. Goodness and mercy ... and all of the other blessings that God tries to rain down on me were barely keeping up. I would duck and cover, darting here and there. Always avoiding the touch of God because I was intent on doing things my way. I can't slow down enough to fully embrace all that He is offering me.

Until about 5 years ago, I had never heard of the Desert Fathers, monastics that lived in the desert of Egypt beginning in the 3rd Century. That's weird for me, because I search out information regarding spirituality, church history, etc. How did I miss this? But, since the first time I heard a passing reference to this group of people it has become increasingly important for me to learn about them - their teachings and experiences.

I don't want the ascetic lifestyle. I don't believe that God is calling me to that. And if He is, He needs to speak a lot louder than He is right now. But, I'm not at all surprised that He might be calling me to the life of a hermit. For heaven's sake, my family has long believed that is what I want to be. But, my lifestyle and choice of activities has forbade it. I fill up every evening with activities, I am on the go during the week from 7 am - 10 pm. Thank goodness I never had children. I wouldn't have had time to raise them.

If I weren't married to Max and if I didn't need to support our family, I'm afraid that I could easily become a true hermit. I'd give anything to move to our cabin at Bell's Dell, surround myself with my books and animals and just allow God to fill me moment by moment.

So, I've quit my job. Within a few days I will spend time in my home alone during the day. I am finally able to cease activities that draw me into the busyness of life. I find that I have to quit nearly everything. Even as I quit my job, people wanted me to continue the activities at church. I know myself well enough - once I get involved in one activity, it leads to another and another and before I know it I'm doing as much as I have in the past.

STOP Diane! It's time to let goodness and mercy catch up.

Not supposed to happen

I've been trying for two days to figure out what in the world to say about the devastation that is occurring in Iowa. Eastern Iowa is where my heart is. I grew up there, I went to college there, I lived a life there, I have family there, friends there. My memories of childhood and youth are all wrapped around the areas that are being devastated by floods. Water like we've never seen in my life.

And I find that I'm stunned to silence as I look at photographs of downtown Cedar Rapids. Coe College is evacuated. I graduated from there in 1981. Carol graduated from there in 1984. Many of my college friend still live there. That was the one city in Iowa that I would love to return to and live.

Iowa City. I talked to an aunt who lives in Coralville. She's fine. The city isn't. My grandfather lived there for several years in the 1970s. In fact, though we lived in small communities around there, Iowa City was where we did everything. Carol and I would drive back there from Omaha and we could sense the excitement of the city as we gassed up in Coralville. It just has a completely different feel to it than Omaha does. The river isn't expected to crest for several more days. Students are pulling books to higher levels in the library, businesses are closed, people are leaving.

Rivers are at 30 feet, when flood level is 12 feet. I can hardly even imagine that much water flowing. I look at the photographs online and wonder 'how can this be'?

Isn't it interesting to consider that nature is a more powerful force than man. We try to tame the earth and force it to bend to our will, yet the unpredictability of it overwhelms and stuns us.

I am thankful that more lives haven't been lost and hurt for those that have. I am so sorry that possessions and things have been lost to people that have no idea how they will continue. I pray for my friends and family and for the many workers that are trying to keep people safe and will bring the infrastructure back after it has been devastated.

Today, all I can do is pray. Tomorrow ... we'll see.

Dove Chocolate Inspiration

I must admit to yet another addiction. Dove Chocolate. My dear husband brought home a bag of Dove Chocolate with caramel in the center and ... whoa! Taste sensation! That being said, I also enjoy reading the little inspirations that are printed on the wrappers.

Have you ever ironed out a piece of foil? I remember doing it with gum wrappers when I was younger. Just keep rubbing across it until it is completely smooth. I tend to do the same thing to my Dove wrappers and several weeks ago, I watched my brother do it as well. Hmmm ... it must be another addicting habit.

Tonight, one of the messages in a piece of chocolate was "Find your passion." What is your passion? The second was "Make a list of your dreams."

I thought about those two things for awhile. I'm in the midst of changes in my life. While these changes may seem that they are being directed by outside forces, in reality, my passion and dreams are driving me.

My list of dreams?

1. Spend innumerable hours with God.
2. Learn all I can about His Word.
3. Write down and translate what I can about His Word for others.
4. Discover ways that I can tell the world about my passion for God's Word.

I know that these may seem unreal, but I find that I am more and more passionate about making God's Word easily accessible and understandable to people who have never spent time reading it.

We have been given words from the Creator of the Universe! And yet, we ignore them. We are too busy and then, we find that we are too ignorant of the power that can be found within Scripture.

I've spent many years discovering my passion and dreams. I am finally confident that I am beginning to move within them.

What about you? Have you ever made a list of your dreams? Not your dreams for your children or friends, but dreams for you ... what is your passion? Thank heavens God has given us all different passions and dreams ... this will make for an amazing and exciting world!

Hope Sermon, Part 5

The entire Bible is filled with promises of hope. And it is filled with stories of hope fulfilled.

Hope enabled Abraham to become the father of many nations.

Romans 4:18 says “Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.”

Hope enabled Noah to wait for the dove to return with a sprig of a tree.

Hope enabled Moses to lead his people from Egyptian captivity to a promised land filled with milk and honey.

Hope enabled Job to endure great suffering – more than any of us could imagine.

Hope enabled Hannah to leave her son, Samuel with Eli.

Hope enabled the Psalmists to write words of praise and voice their fears and despair.

Hope enabled the Israelites to trust in the prophets during their Babylonian captivity.

The hope of eternal life calls us beyond our day to day existence into a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Our hope is based on trust in the God of Creation.

Psalm 62:5-6
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.”

Psalm 119:73-74
"Your hands made me and formed me; give me understanding to learn your commands. May those who fear you rejoice when they see me, for I have put my hope in your word."

Hope comes from a place deep within us. It isn’t born of prosperity or success. We simply don’t need hope when those things rule our lives.

Paul says,

“…we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

Keep listening to Paul’s words from Romans,

“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly (by the way, that’s you and me). Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:6-8)

Our hope is based on trust in the God of Creation. A God who sent His Son to die for us, to redeem our lives, to cleanse us so that we will be allowed into the very throne room of the Creator.

One more thought from Paul to the Romans

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation, for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.” (Romans 8:18-20)

You see, God’s will is that we are liberated from bondage to decay. Our bodies are decaying, we are bound to that while we still live on this earth. We can’t escape it while we are here. Paul tells us that this life is nothing in comparison to the glorious freedom that God offers us beyond what we know right now.

Hope takes us from day to day. But even more so, hope draws us across the boundaries of life to take us from our present sufferings to the glory that will be revealed in us when we stand in the throne room.

Hope Sermon, Part 4

When I was 8 years old, we discovered that I had a serious heart condition. It’s called Paroxysmal Atrial Tachycardia. Essentially a nerve would trigger the atria of my heart into rapid beating. If unchecked, it would continue to beat at over 250 beats per minute. I was rushed to University of Iowa hospital, injected with digitalis (that was the worst part of the entire experience, my upper thigh hurt for days from that injection) and monitored closely. Due to the length of time that my heart had been pumping, my parents were told that if I didn’t die, I would have severe heart damage.

The most profound memory of that hospital stay for me was of my parents kneeling at my bed praying. They alternated in my room, but that first night, both of them were on their knees praying beside me as the nurses came and went and as I tried to sleep.

They never despaired, they simply prayed. I didn’t die and as the doctors monitored my heart, they came back to my parents simply astounded. My heart was normal. After only 4 days, I was sent home with a prescription for digitalis and methods to bring the heart back to normal when it began beating too rapidly. Mom unintentionally scared the living daylights out of my teachers by telling them that if it were to happen in class, I needed to be taken to a quiet space so that I could calm myself and bring my heartbeat down. Every time I raised my hand to go to the bathroom, I was quickly escorted out of the room. It’s a good thing I was such a responsible child (no, I’m not being facetious). It never occurred to me to abuse the privileges I was given. Those were some terrified teachers!

The doctors told us that I would eventually grow out of the worst of it, but that it would be something I needed to watch for the rest of my life. By 6th grade, I was taken off digitalis and though I still deal with it once in awhile during times of great stress or intense exhaustion, it is no longer a threat to me.

The hope that my parents placed in God for my healing was answered in a glorious manner for them and for me. It’s one of the stories that we tell over and over as a celebration of God’s grace in my life.

There is no way to tell you that life is going to be perfect. If you continue to read through the Psalms, you see David dealing with things that aren’t specified, but are obviously painful to him. While things may not be handled according to our desires, as long as we trust in a God who gives us hope, we find that we get from one day to the next.

It is hard to accept that this life we know so intimately is just a flicker in the eternal life for which we are meant to live. We want everything to be perfect, or at least a bit easier for us while we live on this earth. We want our families and friends to be healthy and live good lives. We don’t want to see people in hardship and we certainly don’t want to face any of that ourselves. When we do, we allow despair to take over and we question God regarding His love for us.

We see only minutiae. Just a speck of the large picture. In our selfish minds, we expect God to make everything perfect for us – because it is all about us. If God doesn’t make it perfect, then we try to ensure our version of perfect.

If Job had never faced despair, he would never have known hope. If David had never sinned against the Lord, he never would have been known as a ‘man after God’s own heart.’ If Daniel hadn’t been captured by Nebuchadnezzar, he would never have been able to give his people visions of hope for the future. If Jeremiah had not been called to minister to a people in captivity, he would never have given us these words,

“This is what the Lord says: ‘When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and will bring you back from captivity.’” (Jeremiah 29:10-14)

I love the order of events in that passage. Listen to it again – just this part.

“I know the plans I have for you – plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

God plans to give us hope and a future. And then, he says.

“Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you and will bring you back from captivity.”

See, God gives us hope first. When we’re at our lowest point and we call out to him, we’re doing so because we have hope. We hope that He will take us from the point of despair to a place where we see our future again.

For most of us, we have to be at that point of despair before we shut our eyes and ears to the chaotic noises of success.

When my heart was beating rapidly, I had to get to a quiet, dark place so that I could concentrate on bringing my heartbeat back to normal. I had to shut out the noises of the world and take away visual stimulus.

When I despair and see no way possible for me to fix what is happening in my life, I have to get to a quiet place. Away from everything and then I hear from God. He promises me that he has my future well in hand. His plans for me don’t include harm.

God doesn’t give us hope after we call on Him. He gives us hope so that we can call on Him.

Hope Sermon, Part 3

The ancient Greeks saw hope as an evil. When Pandora opened Pandora’s Box, she let out all evils except one. She slammed the lid shut before it escaped. The world was filled with these evils that tormented it. She finally opened the box and the last evil - hope was released. This gave humanity something to combat despair. When hope was released, it weakly left the box, but its potency was great enough to combat every other evil.

Nietzsche interpreted the story this way: Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment.

Hope is ours to combat despair. Paul tells us in Hebrews 6:18-19 that “God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”

Hope is an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.

For many of us, hopelessness and despair were epitomized on April 20, 1999 when two young men began shooting their classmates at Columbine High School. As information came out about their lives and the torment that was happening inside their minds, it became clear that they knew nothing of hope.

The story could have ended at that point. But, this is where something amazing happens. That last little evil that Pandora released from her box shows up, even after the trauma and tragedy of that day. We began to hear stories of people like Rachel Green and Cassie Bernall, who believed in the hope of everlasting life. Families of other children have come forward throughout the years telling stories of hope through the tragedy.

While Job is in the middle of all his trauma, he offers these words, “Keep silent and let me speak; then let come to me what may. Why do I put myself in jeopardy and take my life in my hands? Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face. Indeed, this might turn out for my deliverance, for no godless man would dare come before him.” (Job 13:13-16)

Listen to the words of the Psalmist.

Psalm 130
“Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.

“O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption, He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.”

The words of the Psalms are filled with despair and hope. At the moment that David gets to the bottom-most point, he remembers the God who created him and is flooded with hope.

Hope Sermon, Part 2

The first image that came to my mind when I read those words, “a living hope,” was of one of my favorite places on the earth. If I take you to our cabin in central Iowa, you will see life all around. Birds, deer, gorgeous trees, deep green grasses, tall, yellow-green field grasses, bugs flying everywhere, a river flowing and teeming with fish. The wildlife on that property is too numerous to count. We’ve seen raccoons and even wildcats. Wild turkey roams the area. The land is alive! Creation continues to explode there. We’ve tamed a small portion of the land so that we can have a living space, but the rest is wildly alive!

I want to read you a poem that my mother wrote in 1969 about this land. We purchased those 17 acres in 1964 and called it Bell’s Dell after the family that settled that area and whose name is the original name on the deed to the land. Right across the road is Bell’s Mill Park where there used to be a mill on the river. This is called “Benediction.”

Long years I thought of it and now
I have bought my garden;
I saw it, desired it, asked for it,
And gave the man some money for it.
It is my garden now, isn't it?

My mind answers yes, my soul, no!
I cannot own what is universal;
I cannot lay claim to ageless change;
I cannot buy the memories of other footsteps
Treading the same winding paths.

My garden is a meadow, a hill,
A river, trees, gooseberries, thistles,
The spring-popped morel, the dainty columbine,
The delicate warm breeze of summer
Laughing gently at my folly.

It is bugs, myriad swarms of clinging,
Flying, buzzing insects, sticking to my
Sweaty skin as I labor to trim,
Control, govern the lush new growth
Of a wanton spring.

But I cannot own these things.
Does one entrap the wind, command
It to gently soothe a hot, dusty face?
Does one really own free-flying birds
And deer who call my garden home?

I may live here, too, at peace with
The wild things whose roots stretch far
Deeper into this black dirt than mine. I am
Merely a guest, content to
Borrow the beauty of my garden.

The trees will grow here long after
I die. They will watch others till
My garden. The over-arching boughs of
The leaning walnut on the hillside gives
Its benediction to my garden.

Bell’s Dell is alive. Everything about it is alive. When I think of a ‘living hope,’ these are the images that flood my mind.

Hope Sermon, Part 1

I’m about to tell you a story that might offend you, because I don’t come off looking terribly holy. But, it’s funny, so be patient with me!

Max and I have a hilarious story of hope … or not. My stepmother is one of those people that annoys me terribly. We’ll start with that. A few Christmases ago, we just waited to see what she was going to give Max as a gift. In years past, he has seen things like an ‘angry bluebird’ suncatcher, or one year it was an Ansel Adams photography book that she received as a bonus for personally subscribing to the National Wildlife Federation.

He opened the package that she gave to him. I saw a strange smile come across his face and he held up a little devotional book that said, “Hope.” I looked at him and did my best not to giggle. It just became more and more obvious that she didn’t know who he was at all. He definitely doesn’t spend time reading small devotional books. But, there it was. We moved on through the morning with the family.

A bit later on, I was packing up the gifts and tossing out wrapping paper when I came upon the book. I opened it up and glanced through it. It wasn’t a yearly devotional book, but only had 260 entries. I giggled at Max. “You didn’t even get a full year of Hope!” We laughed out loud.

We got home that night and as I unpacked the gifts, I pulled the book out. I opened to the flyleaf and it was inscribed from her to both of us! I howled with laughter. “Max, you have to split your hope with me! Now you only get 130 days of hope!” More laughter.

Earlier this spring, I was purging my bookshelves and tossed the book out. Max watched me do it and said to me, “Now we have no more hope.”

No more hope.

Have you ever felt like that? You have done all that you could and now it’s over. There is no more hope.

I can’t tell you the number of times that despair – which is the opposite of hope – controlled me. When I owned Insty-Prints, there were days that I couldn’t imagine how I would ever have a life beyond what I was dealing with day in and day out. Trying to pay bills when I couldn’t get my clients to pay me. Getting work out on a tight deadline and the hours just seemed to continue to tick away. Fighting with employees that wanted to be paid, but not to work.

I would sit at my desk some days and imagine that suicide would certainly be a better option than what I was dealing with. But I never went any further than that in my imagination. Because down deep inside, I knew that there was hope. My soul is filled with it. Even in the darkest moments, I have confidence that I am not alone and that the One who walks with me is stronger than anything on earth.

The scripture I chose to use for this message is from I Peter 1:3, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade – kept in heaven for you.”

When I made the choice to follow Jesus Christ and accept Him as my Lord and Savior, He gave me new birth into a living hope. A living hope.

Hope - The Sermon

So, I knew for 3 weeks that I had to preach at last night's service. I love doing that. It's a great group of people and they always give me positive feedback. How could I not love it? So, Memorial Day weekend. I'm at Bell's Dell with the family and I planned to write the sermon. Heck, I planned to write a lot that weekend.

What was I thinking? My family wanted to spend time with me. Was I nuts? They're more important than anything else. Ok ... no writing occurred.

Last weekend I was alone. Max went to Kansas City with his buddy to hang out watching baseball games. I'm going to get this sermon done. Well, I spent all day Saturday starting a study that I've been wanting to write for awhile. Sunday was busy with church and other stuff and Max came home early. I got nothing done on it.

My week fell apart - more about that another day. No writing occurred.

Friday should have been a quiet day at work, but it wasn't. No writing occurred.

Friday night I got home and when I should have been writing, I was playing a stupid computer game called "Insaniquarium." I'll be honest with you. My brain couldn't have written a single word at that point. What I did have by this point was the title and the scripture passage that I was going to use. Whew! That really is the biggest thing for me.

I went to sleep at midnight Friday. This might seem early for me, except for one thing. I had to get up at 4:30 am to take my sister, Alison, Lynne and another friend to the airport for their mission trip to Belize. I shocked awake at 4:39 am, they were there at 4:42. I was out the door at 4:45. Back home by 5:30 and I was wide awake until 7:30. Working on the sermon? Ummm ... nope.

I slept until 10:15 when Max finally made me get up. I now have 6 1/2 hours to write and practice this sermon. Yes, I work better when I am under pressure. Max brought me breakfast, I swore to not allow myself to play the computer game until I was done and I opened my Bible and began to pray (not urgently yet, just for understanding and God's Word to open up to me).

Honestly, I was done with the sermon by 2:00 pm. I practiced it several times, Max went to Office Depot to buy some ink for the printer so that I could actually have a hard copy to work from and I headed to church. It was a good evening. I'm thankful that I am able to spend time with God as I process on things in His Word. Those are probably my best times of my days.

I was telling Max today that I really love God's Word. I deeply love it. I love teaching from it, I love studying it, I love understanding it and those moments when I see how He connects things from the Old to New Testament just put me on my knees! I could live without a lot of things, but I pray I never have to find out how to exist without my Bible.

I'm going to split my sermon up across the next few posts. God is so good to us. Hope is a gift from Him so that we can continue to live through the evils of this world.

Negative Writing

One of the things I've absolutely refused to do on my blog is write with a lot of negative emotion. For the most part, I know that negative emotions fade with time and consequently, if I've written something down that is relatively permanent, I'm stuck with being reminded of those emotions over and over.

The only problem with that is as I read back through my blog entries, I discovered that all of the 'stuff' that has been in my head has not been made public at all. So, when I make life-changing decisions, I tend to startle all of the people around me and it seems as if I am making decisions with very short notice.

This is one of the hazards of being in my brain. I do tend to babble on and on about my life. There is very little in my life that is private. I will tell my friends and associates nearly everything. I complain, whine and make a lot of noise when I don't like the way things are going. I skip, jump and sing out loud when I'm happy. But, I process my internal life-stress alone. Sometimes I don't even let Max in on it. I've learned over the years that no one wants to really know that stuff about me, so I don't share too much.

I know that I handle things well. I can deal with most everything. One of the major reasons for that is that I know life is cyclical and within a short period of time the stress will be gone and life will have moved on.

So, as I process and I think, as I plot and I plan for my life ... sometimes I forget to bring people into the loop until the plans are underway and things are beginning to move. By the time I get to a point of movement, I am ready to quickly make decisions and changes.

Breathe easy ... I'm not making any big changes today. But, don't be surprised when they come. I won't be!

Dissatisfaction

There is a rumbling in my soul. I don't know what it means yet or where it will take me, but it's there. It's stirring around raising questions about what I am supposed to do. No one can give me answers and there is nothing obvious coming from God. The only thing that is obvious is that He is stirring me up.

The thing I find most interesting is people's reactions to this rumbling. Those with a vested interest in me staying put question my motives and even the stirring. Those who have nothing to gain either way encourage me to explore outside the box.

Am I defined by my position? Am I more or less because of the job that I do? If I allow God to truly guide my life and it looks weird to the world, should I care? What if I disappoint my family and friends? Because things have always been the way that they are, does that mean that is the only way to do things?

And then the obvious questions: am I too old to make big changes? Can I afford to take less money so that I can have the freedom to pursue God?

The final question: what am I waiting for?

Two Shall be One

Max left yesterday morning before I was even awake for Kansas City with his friend, Leonard. I didn't think too much about it, he was only going to be gone for the weekend. They went to see his favorite team play baseball against the KC Royals. He is such a Cleveland Indians fan, even when they stink ... and they stunk this weekend. They went to the Harry S. Truman Presidential Library and were geek boys for a weekend.

I woke up late and did a lot of writing yesterday. It was a good day. But, this morning I got up to go to church and everything was 'off.' I didn't have donuts for the praise team - Max gets those, he wasn't there in the front pew enjoying praise and worship. I was just 'off.'

I don't know how couples handle one of the spouses traveling on a regular basis. I pretty much melt down! I suppose for some - it's good that they aren't together all the time, but for me - not so good. I texted him a few times during the morning - tried to call (his phone was turned off, argh) and decided to sleep the afternoon away.

I finally called Leonard's phone at 6:30 to tell Max to turn on his phone and he told me they were right here and I heard the car horn honk. They came home early! I was so excited I could hardly stand it! 1 1/2 hours later, Max was in bed - completely exhausted. He had a sunburn and had had some gastro-intestinal issues due to bad food, so he needed sleep. I'm ok with him not being in the same room with me ... he's in the house with me.

When he is gone, I do feel like part of me is missing. That 'off' feeling that I have is because one of the favorite parts of my life is not here. It's all better now. He's back.

Grey Cat

This crazy cat does not like it when I'm sitting at my desk and not hugging on him. He stands on the couch and makes a lot of noise at me when I have books spread out across the desk. The moment I gather them into a pile, he leaps on to the desk and snuggles into my arms. I've found out how to type around his body, but I have yet to figure out how to write in books or even flip through pages of my Bible while he is taking up 80% of the desktop. He is not a small cat!

Ichabod does not want to be relegated to a space beside me, he wants to be surrounded by my arms and then wants to be able to tuck his face between my chin and neck. He demands that I love him and that I share my body warmth with him.

It's hard for me to say no to him. When all he wants is love, how can I refuse that? I know that at some point he'll get over stimulated by my presence and he'll jump down from the desk and curl up in his chair. If that doesn't happen quickly enough I'll start messing with him until I annoy him and he leaves me.

How much more so is our Father in heaven? If I want to crawl in His lap for attention, He has infinite amounts of patience with me. He won't try to annoy me so that I leave Him. But, my poor mind will get over stimulated by His presence and I'll jump down from His lap and enter the uncomfortable world that I recognize and am familiar with.

Oh, God ... I want to be more comfortable and familiar with your presence than I am in this world. Remind me moment by moment that this is alien to me and that you are calling to me from a place that is greater than anything I can imagine.

Twitter vs. Blogger

One or the other will always win. But, both can not win at the same time. I have absolutely no idea why, but it seems to be my reality. If I'm blogging well, then I find that I have twittered only once during the day. If I'm having fun on Twitter, then ... blogging doesn't occur. These two are not at all similar, except for the fact that they both require me to type words. Twitter is a 140 character maximum thought that should be random occurrences during the day. Blogger ... well, you know what that is.

I'm going through another of those 'life-crises' right now. Extreme frustration with my job and trying to pray through where God wants me to be. I know that my greatest desire is to be writing and making a living by doing that. Is that what God wants from me? Well ... it doesn't seem obvious yet.

Alison has taken the challenge of holding me accountable to some writing deadlines. If I'm going to be published, I suppose I need to have things to publish. If I'm ever going to have the freedom to write and actually make money doing that, I need to get off my lazy butt and get busy. (the best part about that sentence? I get to sit on my lazy butt to write! What a conundrum!)

Today is a great day. Max is in Kansas City with Leonard - doing all sorts of weird touristy things and going to baseball games. They'll have a blast. And the house is quiet. I have no responsibilities to him. I just have to take the dog outside every once in awhile. Oh, and my stomach is growling like crazy. I'm going to have to forage for food.

I just turned my music on (Alan Parsons Project - I, Robot). It is playing as loudly as I can make it. I love to listen to 70's / 80's ROCK (not pop). If I have to get dressed to go out and hunt down food, I'll be glad to do that, but otherwise ... I'm tucked into my rocking chair with fingers on the keyboard, or flipping through the pages of my Bible.

THIS is the life that I want... full-time. Anyone know any good publishers of Christian stuff?

Sadness

I got home and checked my twitter posts. I saw a quick one from Wil Wheaton that said Harvey Korman had died. My heart was shocked. I quickly went to CNN.com and read that yes, Harvey Korman died today.

So, I cried a little bit. This man has made me laugh until I hurt. I loved watching him on the Carol Burnett Show. I love "Blazing Saddles."

One of his most endearing qualities was his absolutely inability to hold back laughter when Tim Conway was hamming it up. Check this out:




I know that I am at the age when the people that I have watched on television and heard on the radio and seen in movies are beginning to die. I don't like it. But, tonight ... I'm sad because Harvey Korman is gone.

Where Everyone Knows Your Name

I always wanted to have a local bar ... where I was comfortable and people knew me. Where I could walk in and say hello ... grab some food and stay as long as I wanted without feeling like I was being rushed through dinner.

Now, over the years, I've become a familiar face in several restaurants throughout Omaha, but tonight I experienced something akin to what I've been looking for.

Fran & Leonard, Carol, Max and I went to a brand new joint called "Jimi D's." It's on Center Street - right around 63rd - where the old McDonald's was. Lots of open space, contemporary decor and an Italian casual menu. We sat down at a table and began one of the best evenings ever. Amazing food, great staff, comfortable chairs, reasonable prices, family owned (read: local, not a franchise), interesting looking clientele (obviously students and family of the owners). We got there about 6:45 and left at 9:45. We paid our bill and then decided to have dessert later. We fell in love with our waitress, who was genuinely happy to take care of us.

I tried a few new things - have you ever had pickled celery, carrots and cauliflower? Wow ... they've got it. I had an orange cream canoli for dessert. Their cheesecake? Pass out and die. We couldn't stand it - all of us just started sharing our food around the table. We wanted to try everything. Homemade cream of mushroom soup with a wine base. Sausage and navy bean soup. I can't begin to tell you how terrific the food was.

The best part? They have Pepsi products and I can have a mountain dew. Whee!!!

As we walked out, Fran said, "I think we just found our local bar." Leonard, who was walking out with Max and didn't hear that said on the way out, "I think I just found our local bar." Ummm ... yup. We will be welcomed back the next time we walk in. They will remember us. But, whether or not they do, I'm absolutely certain that we will receive the same awesome service. And we will feel like we are hanging out with family.

So, if you want to eat out with me ... come on in to central Omaha - we'll hang out at Jimi D's and I'll introduce you to some excellent food and a comfortable home. I can't wait to get to know all of their names!

Words: Misery

Yes, I'm still reading. No, I haven't gone to bed yet. I got caught up in the book while sitting at my desk and didn't want to stop to deal with preparing for bed!

I have one more quote for you from "Into the Depths of God." This is from the chapter (I'm only at chapter 2 - yikes!)

"The most miserable people are those who are possessed by materialism. The etymology of the world "miserable" is formed of the same stem as "miser." Miser-y is really misery."

Process on that for awhile.

The other book that I'm enjoying right now is "The Dord, the Diglot, and an Avocado or Two" by Anu Garg. It tells of 'the hidden lives and strange origins of common and not-so-common words.' Yup, I love words.

Words Thrill Me

This is why I love to read. Words allow my mind to create images ... images that are all mine ... yet inspired by the writer. When I read a horror novel, I find that I am much more frightened than when I see a horror movie. The images in my mind can be worse than a film maker can create. But, I will allow myself to read horror novels and I refuse to watch most horror films. Explain that? I can't.

There are a few authors that write in such a way that thrills my mind. Calvin Miller is one of those writers. I am reading "Into the Depths of God" right now and I can only read a few pages before my mind is taken away and I am no longer reading words on a page, but am experiencing a moment between me and God.

"...so huge, so beautiful, so vast. It is what I feel each time I encounter God. I lie down to sleep, but do not pray "the Lord my soul to keep." Instead, I stalk a greater immensity in a near nightly ritual of euphoria. His blessings swarm about me in a wonderful lightness of being. It is an odd insomnia sponsored by sheer joy. My mind at first begins splashing through some tiny rivulet of God's grace. Gradually the stream grows ... and Gloria in excelsis! I am in an ocean too wide to measure, too deep to fathom. I am deliriously adrift on the sea of his endless being. Yet I always step out into this ocean from the tiny beachhead of my heart. I am amazed that in the center of my shallow tidal soul I have such immediate access to the vast oceans of his presence." (pg. 14-15)

I have probably read that paragraph 8 times. Each time I get lost in it and I go no further. I shut my eyes and allow myself to be set adrift in that endless sea. God is so big and yet He invites me to come close to Him.

Tonight the television is silenced and I'm crawling under the covers with words ... words that thrill my soul and inspire my heart. I am tempted to take a highlighter with me because I want to be able to find my favorite words again someday, but I think that I shall simply read and worship tonight. The vastness of the God who is found within the depths of my soul.

Relationship or Rules

Well, I made it through "The Shack" by William P. Young again. It pretty much affected me the same way that it did the first time: wiped me out. This time I was reading it with pencil and highlighter in hand. I'm hoping to write a study around this book. At one point in the book, the main character, Mack, admits that his brain is having a hard time comprehending the complexity and simplicity of the relationship that God has with the world and says that as he tries to process on it, his brain turns to mush. Well ... yup ... mush.

As Paul tries to explain to his readers, the Law points out our sin. Oh ... this is going to take some thinking and processing as I try to translate it into words, images and thoughts that I can teach. Religion is about enforcing rules ... God is about building a relationship.

A few other thoughts that Young puts into words better than I could ...

God first? No, that's not what He wants. He doesn't want to be first among a list of values. God wants to be at the center of everything. He doesn't want just a piece of us and a piece of our lives. Even the biggest piece. God wants all of us and all of every part of us and our day. (pg. 207 - my paraphrase)

"Emotions are responses to perception - what you think is true about a given situation. If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. ... Just because you believe something firmly doesn't make it true." (pg. 197)

One of the criticisms of this book comes from Christians who think that Young embraces the paradigm that all roads (all religions) lead to God. These obviously have come from people who didn't actually read the book. It's all about relationship. Jesus tells Mack, "Most roads don't lead anywhere. ... I will travel any road to find you." (pg. 182)

I am in love with a God that has crossed every barrier to draw me to Himself. Wherever I am, He will look for me. He became human so that I could relate to Him. The only barriers to a full and complete relationship are those that I build myself and God is even willing to help me in tearing those down.

Unforgiveness - a pit that I create. God teaches me what true forgiveness is and is patient as I wade through my fury.

Life is all about the relationship that God wanted to have with His creation from the very beginning of time. Our independence creates separation from that daily co-existence with Him.

I am so thankful for the chance to be in relationship with the Creator ... with God.

Too much napping

Yup ... I was afraid of this. I'm still awake and I do have to go to work tomorrow. Whoops! Too much napping today followed by a bottle of Diet Mt. Dew.

You know, I have the best family. We have so much fun together. It's nice to hang out with Jim's kids. They are growing into terrific young people. And their personalities are so wildly different, yet they are really very loving. Janet obsessed over getting the meadow mowed. She didn't quit until she was done. Carol obsessed over basic cleanup. She'll never quit. (Relax girlfriend!) Emma was proud of her incredible texting capabilities. I've never seen someone spend that much time texting friends. Good heavenly days! Jim taught Max to grill (it's about time someone did - I've been trying for years and the man has resisted). Jake worked on killing a willow tree stump. He and Jim beat the heck out of it and one of these days, it WILL be gone. Jim and his boys put an immense cedar log into the cabin to act as a support for the roof - it's gorgeous and now things are quite stable.

We have no hot water or shower in the place. Jim took out the main part of the bathroom months ago in preparation for renovation. The only thing left is the toilet - and now it has a curtain around it. It's a good thing we're all family.

Emma and Matt love driving - every time Carol drove into town, there was a discussion about who was driving back. Max and I rented a hotel room - Sunday afternoon meant that everyone finally got a shower ... in our hotel room. The kids swam in the pool and Carol got 20 minutes of peace and quiet in the room.

Leica is exhausted. She hasn't moved off the couch all day long and has barely raised her head to look at me when I call her name. She played with two young dogs for two long days - chasing all over the property. She had to tell the youngest (Jim's new vizsla - Jackson) that he did not get to sniff her butt every time she walked. He's quite cute, but rather dumb and didn't get it the first time she yelled at him. It really is fun for me to let her run free and not worry about her getting hit by a car.

The park across the road was packed with holiday travelers. That meant that we kept the gate at the end of the road closed all weekend - which is weird for us. But, people have no sense of other people's property anymore and consider that they can simply wander wherever they want to wander. Our neighbors up there are polite and considerate, but the travelers are strange.

I had thought that I would get lots of quiet time to read and write. I was wrong. Every moment I was at Bell's Dell I was with someone. Nope, I am NOT complaining. I can't imagine anything better than hanging out with my kids. I watched Star Wars (Episode IV & V) movies with Matthew, worked on a puzzle with Jake, made plans for the future of Bell's Dell with Janet and Jim, cooked, and cleaned. We watched episodes of Lost (that family is still on Season 2! They're killing me.) and laid around relaxing and sleeping (because that's what you do at Bell's Dell). I think I'm going to have to go up there alone if I'm going to do any writing or reading.

Even though we left early ... we left knowing that we will soon return. See, that's the thing about Bell's Dell. No matter how often we go, we always know that we will return. It's our home. I am in love with that place. It's filled with memories and is filling with new ones every time we are there.

How Can I Not Believe?

God doesn't have to do this, but He seems to find ways to prove His existence over and over again to me.

I opened a piece of mail from Priscilla (dad's wife) on Friday when I got home from work. In it was an article by Charles Humeston of the Iowa DNR. He was the warden who investigated my father's accident last May. It was an amazing article and it was fascinating to see the process with which they actually found the accident and then processed through it.

After reading the article, I tried to find a copy of it online and was unsuccessful. But, I did discover that I could email him, so I did. I wanted him to know how I appreciated the work that he had put into the investigation and I wanted him to know a little more about dad. During the course of the investigation, he had spoken to my cousin several times.

But, the paragraph that wiped me out was this:

The investigation of the accident was the product of many law enforcement officers from other departments, and of the staff of Brushy Creek Recreation Area. I want you to know we made every possible effort to find your father and uncle as soon as possible. I only wish the outcome had been different. I hope it gives you a measure of comfort to know that once we found them we stood vigil until the paramedics removed them from the area, and your father and uncle were never left alone. A few years ago I trusted Jesus Christ to be my Lord and Savior, and it is my hope that influences how I do my job. I prayed over both your father and uncle and for all of you. It is my prayer you all felt His love and comfort through that difficult time.

From the moment this man discovered that there was a problem, he began praying. And God put the families of those two men on his heart immediately and he was praying for us as we discovered what the reality of the news was.

In my original email to him, I didn't say the one thing that I needed to tell him. And that was how Dad had lived his life and the fact that I am sure that Dad's last words were, "Thank you Jesus." So, I wrote to him once more, to tell him of Dad's impact on the hundreds of people that he brought to Jesus.

God draws us together through His Son, Jesus. How can I not believe in a God who reminds me over and over of us love for me?

Home Early

Carol, Max and I took off early Saturday morning for an extended weekend at Bell's Dell. What a terrific time we had! Jim and Janet and the kids had gotten up there Friday evening and when we arrived after noon, they had begun mowing and cleaning up the area.

We had a terrific time with them and we spent a lot of time dreaming and planning to bring Bell's Dell back to it's former glory so that future generations could enjoy the place as much as we did as children. Watching Matthew, Emma and Jacob enjoy being on the land was pure pleasure for me. The dogs had a blast! Leica doesn't get a chance to run free very often and I just let her go up there. She finally figured out the homemade doggie door into the cabin and I didn't have to do anything to help her have fun. There were enough scents to keep any dog happy for a lifetime. This morning ... she's not moving very fast. She's exhausted.

Jim had yanked out the shower and water heater late last year because ... well ... things were falling apart. It was ok. Max and I got a hotel room in Webster City so everyone got a chance for a shower. We boiled cold water (very cold water) for washing dishes and hey, the toilet still worked.

...Until last night. Carol turned on the water at the kitchen sink and ... nothing! No water anywhere. What? We were running short of daylight to figure this out, so Jim started moving quickly. He went to the electricity pole and, hmmm ... no idea. But, it didn't look good. All sorts of messing around brought no water back to the house. Now what? We tried thinking as quickly as three Greenwood kids + family can think and well ... by 9:15 we were all on the road coming home. We packed that place up faster than I remember packing anything. Ever.

There are a lot of things we can live without, but living without a toilet is simply unacceptable. All Jim could see was a miserable wife and daughter and two miserable sisters. The decision was made.

It was good to get back to our own beds, even though it was 1:15 am by the time we puolled in. Now the decision to do some renovation takes on a sense of urgency and immediacy. The good news is that it will only make Bell's Dell better and it will be fun to have a great place to take friends and family for years to come!

Positive Day

Today was "Positive Day" at work.

We have been under a lot of stress lately and when that happens, it is so easy to spend more time sniping and complaining than getting work done. Since I had to be at work at 7 am, I decided to declare the day "Positive Day." I sent out an email to the staff and I made up signs to hang on everyone's door.

Pastor Craig's comment: "If you're not a positive person, it's difficult to have a 'positive day.'" Hmmm ... was he talking about himself or someone else. Whatever, he was told to be positive. I heard people mentioning it all day long. Some emailed me back telling me how much it meant to them. Others tried to find ways around it so that we could have some normal conversations.

Me? I am the worst of the worst. And I'm not just saying that. I continually had to stop myself from saying snarky comments. But, I kept telling Cody that. So, it really wasn't much better. I figure that as many times as I had to stop my mouth, I am terrible! I am making snide commentary all day long and I need to work on this. Because I'm a little ashamed.

The book of James is not my favorite book of the Bible. Why? Because he yells at me! Chapter 3 (in my Bible) is entitled "Taming the Tongue." All I can say is 'Whatever!'

3:7 says, "All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison."

3:10, "Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be."

Yup, James yells at me and reminds me that I can not keep my tongue in check - without God.

James 1:26 "If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless."

I don't want anyone to see me and consider the Christ that I serve to be worthless because I am a gossiping witch.

Today was a good exercise and reminder for me. I'm going to pray that tomorrow I don't forget to be positive.

Twitter is killing me ...

Ok ... you have to know that it's late. I'm tired and my brain isn't fully engaged. So ... as I was in the middle of writing this blog, I wanted to click to a different tab in my browser - and instead, I clicked 'publish post.' Whoops! I wasn't anywhere near ready to publish the stupid thing.

It was inane and silly - more of the same kind of garbage I always whine and chat about. I figured I would be completely safe because most of my friends and family are already in bed. But, no ... someone commented before I could get the silly thing deleted. Whoops!

So, now I'm editing and writing as quickly as possible.

The last few weeks have been really busy and really intense for my poor brain. I'm trying desperately to figure out how we are going to 'brand' the church. What is it that we want to communicate to the world, to the community, to the congregation at both campuses. So, I've been asking the question: "What do you love about Faith-Westwood?"

You see, this is weird for me. I've been a Christian for such a long time (not telling - but, the year was 1974. Are you kidding me?) and I've been an active participant in the church for longer than that. My life has always revolved around the local church. Now I'm in charge of finding ways to encourage people that have never participated in the life of the church to check it out, enjoy it, stay and become involved.

I was jolted out of my little box about 10 years ago. I had just been to a florist picking up palm branches for the Palm Sunday celebration. They were in the trunk of my car and I stopped at the grocery store. A young man was helping me with my groceries. When I opened the trunk and began adjusting things for space, he looked at the palm branches and asked what they were. It stopped me in my tracks. I said, "Palm branches." He still looked confused. I kept going, hoping that he would make a connection quickly. I continued to explain that they were for a celebration at church. He still had a blank look on his face. So, I explained about Jesus Christ entering Jerusalem the week before Easter and the crucifixion. He didn't know what Easter was!

That experience is always in the back of my mind when I think about trying to tell the world and the community about my church. There are obviously too many people out there that have absolutely no concept of what we are talking about when we talk about Jesus Christ. We are in the middle of the Information Age and have more opportunities than ever before to tell the world about the one thing that will offer them eternity and yet we have young people growing up having never heard about Jesus.

What am I going to do about it? Right now, I'm praying a lot and trying to think through this. I'm reading books and I'm reading scripture. I'm asking questions and I'm trying to keep my mind clear. We'll see what happens. Got any ideas?

And the title of this post? Well, that was the original part that I wanted to 'kill.' I love twitter. It's such a great way for me to blather my thoughts and insane ramblings.

Tonight I'm boiling noodles - lots of them - for Chicken and Noodle casserole for a couple of potluck luncheons tomorrow. I need to sleep soon though. Good night!

14 Years Ago

14 years ago tonight I was at Bell's Dell preparing to get married to Max. We had only known each other for a few short months and most of that time was spent on the telephone. I had met him in person in March, then again when I flew to Charlotte (NC) to load up the UHaul with all his stuff and move him back to Omaha - just a week prior to the wedding.

But, God really worked in this relationship. He worked through my fears and He worked through all of the insanity that can come from marrying a man you barely know.

President Nixon died 14 years ago today. Max and I couldn't come up with something special that had happened on April 23. But, we didn't have Wikipedia then. Today I can tell you that William Shakespeare was born on our anniversary as were Shirley Temple, Roy Orbison, William Penn and Stephen A. Douglas. In 1985 on April 23, Coca-Cola introduced New Coke, which was replaced by the original formula three months later. The first public school in the United States was founded on April 23 in Boston - Boston Latin - 1635.

I love the 'dates in history' part of Wikipedia. It's great fun.

Max and I communicated online for quite a long time. I wish that I had kept more of his emails and the long online chats that we had. I have no idea where they've all gone, but I'm certain that I will never see them again. I printed one letter that he sent to me on January 28, 1994. The subject line: "Feelings grow for you."

Oh my, I was desperately hoping for more time before I met him face to face. I was terrified. He was just as adamant about doing it as soon as possible.

"Our heart to heart last night had me thinking strongly about all I would need to do here at my end to see a loving commitment through with you as my wife.

"I realize and understand you felt we should take a long to know each other before we rush into the serious commitment of marriage. I fully empathise with your concerns based upon past misfirings with othe rmen you met by this 'modern method.'"

He didn't let me off the hook ... he kept encouraging me.

"What prompted this is we have been talking seriously about what kind of marriage we envision, children you name it (hahahahahah - Diane's aside). I am getting the feeling that this is not some mere fantasy infatuation - I feel the Lord in his wisdom is pointing the way for us. It is for us to see if this is part of his plan or not. But providence has a way of being inevitable. I have been thinking that perhaps you are the reason God brought me to North Carolina, which eventually led me to meeting Jay (Max's friend) and using his computer to meet you.

"I have prayed for help in the past 6 months for God to help me finally find a woman who is truly right and good for me, by whatever means he chooses to do so. I can't help but think my prayers are being answered.

"I sincerely hope that reading this letter has not brought you undue stress, but has brought you joy in knowing my thoughts are honorable.

"The rest, dear Lady is up to you. You would not believe how much writing this makes me feel a little anxious, but it is one more example of the risks I have been willing to make to move my life on, in whatever direction it must go."

So, obviously, we got married a few short months later. The last 14 years have been up and down and back and forth. Things have happened to us, around us, with us and I can not imagine that there is a man alive that would have been a better choice for a husband for me.

Max is truly wonderful. He is honorable. He is loving and kind. He cares more about me than he does himself and is more than willing to give up everything to make me happy. All I can do is honor that relationship by doing the same for him. God has given me an incredible gift and tonight as I think back to that young (er) couple that had no idea what to do with the idea of marrying a stranger, I realize that only God could have brought this marriage together. I'm so glad that I waited.

Yikes!

It's been over 2 weeks since I last blogged. Really? Really? Well, that's what the calendar says, so it must be true. Lots of things have been happening, none of which are that big of a deal. I didn't sleep at all last week, so that meant that I had no energy in the evenings. Plus, there was just a lot of crap rolling around at work, so that meant I had no passion to give to anything else. I started twittering (really, just type in twitter.com and see what happens). You can find me at twitter.com/nammynools. What that means is that I 'tweet' what is happening during the day and then it's just not so important to type it all out again in a blog.

Hence ... it's been over 2 weeks since I last blogged.

What have I been doing to occupy myself? Well, I love hulu.com. Online television shows. I've been watching old episodes of Benson. Then, this weekend I discovered that they had uploaded the first season of Babylon 5. WHEE!! I loved that show. I have discovered a horribly addicting puzzle game - Patchworkz. I have started reading a very interesting book, "The thing about life is that one day you'll be dead." by David Shields. I'm not yet sure what I think about it. It's funny, it is informative. But the humor is sometimes really sad. Shields is a brilliant writer. I guess I was hoping to read this and think, 'this is the book I would have written.' It's not. It's the book he wrote. I'm halfway through the book and we'll see.

I'm re-reading "The Shack," and this time I'm highlighting and taking notes in the book. I have a few people asking me to write a study on it so that we can really delve deeply into the 'stuff' of a relationship with God. I'm about halfway through this book the second time.

I either have allergies or another annoying cold. This one is the rotten cough in the upper chest stuff. It doesn't make for great sleeping this week either, but at least once I get to sleep, I stay there.

I say it over and over again. I am so fortunate to be working where I work. It's unimaginable to me that I am encouraged to speak of the things of God in my workplace. To be able to talk to my boss about how trusting in God to walk with us through fire is incredible. I am so grateful. I get so mad sometimes at work - I want everyone to 'get it' and do and say the right things. Then, I get into a conversation like I had today and realize that God is always here and He's got it under control.

I woke up Sunday morning in a foul, foul mood. No one had done anything to me. I don't know if I had a dream that I didn't recall or what. But, I was feeling mean and ugly. I had to lead worship that morning and there was no part of me that wanted anything to do with that. As the water was pouring over my head, I knew that I had to start asking God to deal with this for me. Every time I tried to get myself under control, nasty thoughts crept in and distracted me. They just kept bringing me back to that foul mood. I prayed all the way out to church. I was doing better by the time I got there.

But, then I had to lead the hymn sing prior to the 9 am service. Trust me, I was still praying. After the hymn sing, I had to open the service, do the announcement, be pleasant, play for the middle school choir, have praise band rehearsal, and then come out, open the second service and then lead worship. I was praying a lot! Things kept tripping me up. But, as I began with that hymn sing, I paid attention to what God was saying to me. It seemed as if every song that the congregation chose to sing dealt with trusting Jesus. I knew that God was listening to me and speaking back to me. 'Trust me. Not yourself, Not anyone else. Trust me.'

Now, I'd like to tell you that the rest of the morning went without a hitch. But, that's not necessarily true. However, what did change was my attitude. Instead of trying to get myself out of the funk that I was in, I simply trusted God. It wasn't mine to deal with at that point. It was a great morning.

Alright ... time for me to hit the sack and rest my ole' body before facing another day.

The Land of the Rising Sun

I had an amazing experience today. Bob & Hazel Terhune have just returned from 40+ years as missionaries in Japan. They are retiring and will make their home in an America that is very dfiferent from the America they left in the 1960s.

Since Faith-Westwood has supported them throughout the last 20 years, they stopped to say 'thank you.' They were in worship this morning and then I was able to go to lunch with them. Alison invited Max and me to join her and I was more than happy to say yes. I'm so thankful that I did.

The Terhunes are an amazing couple. Their heart is all about sharing the Good News of Jesus Christ with a world immersed in Shintoism and Buddhism as well as a nation that reveres and worships it's emperors. Being a Christian in Japan is not an easy thing to do, yet they continued to teach the people they encountered about the love of Christ. And they did it with grace and humility.

It was fun to listen to them speak of Japanese culture, history and changes in that country that have been occurring since WWII. It was interesting to hear Americans speak of relationships with people that view other Americans and the government here quite differently than we do. They have an incredible wealth of knowledge regarding Japan and a strong understanding of the culture. And they articulate their knowledge very well.

They raised three children in Japan and felt the importance of blending American and Japanese cultures for them. Hazel spoke of setting aside her home as an American haven, where mores of Japanese culture did not predominate. In a culture where women are demeaned, she and Bob lifted up the power of a woman. She would serve women first at dinner in her home - which is a strong Western tradition, but absolutely prohibited in Japanese culture.

It was interesting to watch them translate a language that they have been immersed in for many years back into English so that they could communicate with us. It will be interesting to hear from them as they begin to comprehend a new American culture.

I pray for them as they transition back to America, but Bob asked, as we parted today, that I pray for the people of Japan. His heart remains with these people. So, I'll pray for them as well. And for other friends that are in the mission field around the world.

Some of the good things in life

So ... I was too pooped last night (really? I don't remember being that exhausted) to write sensibly, but I have to tell you a story. It just filled up my heart.

Yesterday morning, Julie brought her son, Josh into the office. Now, Josh is 4 years old and one of my favorite little boys. He comes flying into see me on a regular basis, since he attends the preschool downstairs. I generally get a hug and then he's off to play with some of my stuffed animals, or off to see someone else in the office that he loves, too. But, yesterday, he got up to my desk and said he had a present for me. He had his hands behind his back and when he brought them out, there was a can of cold Diet Mt. Dew for me! Now, this little boy noticed that I like green pop! He noticed! And he wanted to bring something for me. What a sweetie! I just about cried.

The best part, though was that Gregg was sitting across the desk from me. He called Josh over and tried to get that little boy to play a trick on me; to take away my pop and give it to Gregg. That completely confused Josh. Why would he want to take something away from me that he had given to me? He looked at Gregg and said, "No, that's for her!" And then, promptly told his mom that tomorrow he would bring me a green pop and Gregg a red pop.

Don't you just have to say, 'awwwww'?