The Life of a Dog

I'd like to think I have something terribly profound to say about these pictures of my dog, Leica, hanging out in the sunshine, but I'm not quite the 'parable' writer that my friend Rebecca is, so I'll just share them with you.

She has a tendency to just walk out the front door if I leave it open for any length of time.  I certainly don't mind.  When we're in Omaha, I have to keep her on leash because I'm afraid she'll run into the alley behind the house or the street in front of the house and get smushed by a fast-moving car.  Up here, though, she's got a lot of freedom and takes advantage of it as often as possible.

There are a lot of times that I will go out looking for her if she's been gone for awhile and I discover that she's managed to walk up the lane and out onto the road - sometimes just wandering up the road sniffing at all the great scents or over to the park to see what is going on.  Thank heavens traffic is light on this road. I keep a pretty close eye on her on the weekends because traffic increases with people camping in the park.

I fell asleep last night about 8:30 and Max woke me at 10:30 when he called after arriving in the Tahoe area.  I let her outside and then hit the bathroom myself.  I heard her bark.  That only happens if someone (or thing) invades her space.  By the time I got to the front porch, she was barking and chasing something away from our front area.  Now, there was one of my fears coming to the forefront ... she is such a scent hound, I was scared to death she would chase until she was far, far away.  Finally I heard her collar and she came bounding back to me - quite proud of herself for protecting her domain, I'm sure.

Last week I went looking for her and discovered her right outside the front door laying in the sun - sound asleep.  She's such a little thing and has absolutely no body fat, of course she likes the heat of the sun!

Yesterday I discovered her asleep under the tree in front of the cabin - she'd found another sunny place and was sound asleep.  By the time I had gone back in and gotten my phone and walked out to take her picture, the noise and activity had disturbed her enough to wake her up, so she's looking at me in the picture.

And by the way, Max ... I want my camera back.  You got to use it for two weeks - it's mine now!  Pictures just aren't the same when taken by a Blackberry!

A conversation ... inspiration

This morning I had an incredible conversation with a man who works at The Trash Man in Webster City.  Of all places, right?  I love that I can go nearly anywhere and find something in common with people I encounter.  It's always about the connections we have, right?

I was simply paying for the dumpster that Carol and her friend had filled this last weekend out at the cabin.  He saw on the receipt that I lived in Omaha and since his son has just graduated from Creighton, that gave us an immediate connection.

As we talked about his son, I could sense the pride that he had for this boy.  He is taking his LSAT next Monday but isn't sure that law is really where he wants to spend his life.  Now, what I know about law school is that whether or not you end up practicing law, you walk away with an incredible education that will prepare you for practically anything - honing your skills for public speaking, research, writing and exposing yourself to an incredible amount of information.

His son loves creative writing and has also applied to several graduate schools around the country to get his master's degree in some type of education that will get him to a place where he can teach others about writing.  The boy was a fabulous athlete in high school, played baseball at Creighton his freshman year, but stopped because it took time away from studying - time he didn't want to give up.  His dad was really surprised when he showed this wild creativity and in it a desire to write.

The coolest thing, though was that he's so excited about this for his son.  He doesn't care what the boy does, as long as it fulfills a passion and gives him something to always strive for.  One of the things he continually tells his son is that by going to Creighton and doing really well as an undergraduate he has set the bar high for himself.  No matter what he does next, he should never lower the bar, he should always expect excellence and pursue his dreams in a big way.

He said to me, "He's 21 and has the chance to do anything he wants with his life - I hope he just goes for it.  When I was 21, I had him and I was a cop in a small town.  I've had a good life, but I hope he has an amazing life!"

And I'll tell you what - 21 is a great age to start on an exciting life.  But, I also believe that 31 is a great age ... 41 is a great age and so, for that matter is 51 (which will happen for me the day after I start seminary)!  No matter what age we are, we can do exciting things and start exciting lives.  If you're already doing everything you want to do and open your eyes in the morning ready and excited to face the day - yea!

Oh ... and sleeping in and doing nothing for the rest of your life doesn't count as a big dream.  It might be a great dream for a couple of days (maybe a couple of weeks) but pretty soon you're going to want to be more than a slug, I promise!

The moral of the story?  Well ... I suppose there always is one.  The first thing that occurs to me is that I had one more fabulous encounter with someone in Iowa - I love meeting new people and talking to them.  But, the second thing is that I was reminded again why I'm doing what I'm doing ... I love the fact that I won't settle for a life lived quietly.  The bar has been raised and I don't intend to lower it in my life ... ever again!

Hanging with a Hero

We've all been asked the question, "If you could have lunch with anyone alive today, who would it be?"  We've got our heroes and people that we look up to and would be genuinely shocked if we ever got a chance to sit down and spend some intimate time talking with them.

Max got to do that today.  

For the last week, he's been traveling with a buddy in the San Francisco area - shooting pictures and seeing the sites.  Everything managed to line up just right and he made contact with John Sexton who lives in the area.  They had lunch together today and talked about photography, photographers and all sorts of wild and wonderful things.

John Sexton was a technical consultant to Ansel Adams before Adam's death in 1984 and is an incredible black and white photographer in his own right.  I know that some of his prints have inspired much of the stuff that Max shoots.  It's not difficult to fall in love with the way this man sees the world when you spend time looking at his photographs. 

These are just a few of the glorious images that John Sexton has produced.  We are fortunate enough to own several of his prints and I can easily get lost in the photographs.

Today, Max got to meet and spend time with a long-time hero of his in the world of photography.  They shared stories and talked about how photography is changing.  Both of them grew up in darkrooms and have plenty to discuss as they talk about how digital cameras are changing the face of this skill.  But, more than anything, this was a dream come true for Max.  Such a simple thing - lunch, such a profound moment.

I've been thinking about who it is that I would like to spend a few hours with over lunch one day.  I have some ideas ... what about you?

Back ... at least for June!

You know ... my mother always told me that if I didn't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say anything at all. 

She also used to tell me to never write anything down that I wouldn't want my father to read.

That has obviously translated into me not writing here for awhile.  I might be in a bit of a funk while waiting for school to get started.  There's so much I want to do and I feel like I'm stalled in life just waiting.

No ... I'm not complaining and not looking for sympathy, just explaining where I think I've been.

So to get me back on task, I'm going to once again commit to a month's worth of blogging here.  Every day - come hell or high water - I will write in this blog.  If you love me you won't tell me when I'm boring.  Wait, maybe if you love me you SHOULD tell me when I'm boring.  Kick me a little in the butt and get me off said butt and moving!

The thing is, I always have plenty to say about things, but lately it seems as if I'm observing life and coming off quite cynically.  Which is why I haven't been writing.  I'm not a great writer of irony and satire, so my cynical stuff doesn't come off sounding funny, it just comes off sounding annoyed and angry.  I despise sounding like that, so when I start writing and realize what's coming out of my fingers, I erase it all and make it go away.

If you spend much time with me in person, you'll find that I don't mind saying these things out loud, because I know that words can be ephemeral and before too long other things have taken over my cynical comments and we can all move on.

That's one of the problems with writing negative blogs.  Unless you deliberately go back and delete them, they kind of hang out and subvert any attempt to encourage others, make people believe you really are a happy person or leave a positive impression on the world.  I don't like to read them ... so I try really hard not to write them.

I have a pretty good life.  I haven't done everything that I want to do yet, but isn't that awesome?  There is no reason that I can't go after new adventures, new learning, explore new ideas, meet new people, do wild new things.  

Now ... if I could just get this whole 'learning adventure' started!!! Pant, pant, pant ... hurry, hurry!!!

A Day with the Scouts

I had a great day today.  It was a bit unexpected, but at some point, going with the unexpected always brings a bit of fun.

Last night my friends up here stopped in at the cabin and told me I should come out to their airfield today.  There would be over 200 boy scouts plus leaders there for a scouting Aviation Expo at the Webster City, Iowa Airport.  There would be air acrobatics, Ralph Storm (my friend here) would do a crop dusting demonstration (planning to soak the boys with water), a Black Hawk helicopter was coming in, possibly a balloon liftoff (it didn't happen - way too much wind), remote-controlled planes, rocket demonstrations ... on and on.  The boys could work on their aviation patch, there were flight simulators and classes on airplanes and navigation.  There were even some lessons on what is happening with experimental aircraft.

So, I got myself up earlier than normal on a Saturday and headed in to Webster City's airport.  I pretty much spent the day there, chatting with Sue and Ralph and their employees, meeting great people from around Iowa and watching young boys do their best to be cool and generally failing miserably.  What a riot.

I met Bill K. (yup, can't remember his last name) who told me about his scouting career.  He became an Eagle Scout in 1949 and has a really hard time with the fact that he is actually old enough to have any achievement in his life be a 50 year milestone.  He walks with a cane, but told me he's not fragile, just has a balance problem.  He never misses a scouting event and his troop is filled with young men who have multiple disabilities.  He's no longer the scout master, but is there for every single meeting and event.  His son is long since out of scouting, but he continues to participate.  We talked about how wonderful it is for one of the young men there with some serious special needs, has been abused by people around him and yet is with a group of boys who make it a safe place for him to experience life.

I met Emery, who is a district scouting commissioner.  He talked about his kids and his life and then we got to talking about handbell choirs.  He couldn't stay tonight because he needed to get home - his choir is playing tomorrow morning in church and he's responsible for some of the big bells.  He doesn't have the biggest, those are played by a much older man who has to take 3 days to recuperate after a performance, his arms just kill him.  His kids have all grown out of scouting, but he continues to support this because he loves how it impacts young men to make them better with each other and with the world.

There was a young boy there - maybe 11 or 12 - with many physical issues.  He can't eat certain things and believe it or not, this young boy was under a tent getting treated for something or other (splinters, falling smack down on the concrete, on and on) four different times.  He so badly wanted to cry and complain, but didn't because there were always boys around him helping him to buck up and face the rest of the day.  When he wanted to wander off, they wouldn't let him - everyone had to have a buddy and it was something they took seriously with him.  

I saw kids who are probably laughed at, ignored, considered outcasts, pitied, teased, bullied and picked on in normal situations at school participating with other kids who never face those issues.  Some of the klutziest kids ever would fall down and be surrounded by boys helping them back up.  Others who were obviously coddled mama's boys and wanted to just sit all the time and be catered to, were encouraged to participate and play along with the group by leaders and fellow scouts.

There were moms and dads, scout leaders, troop leaders, boys of many ages.  Each boy was different; some were tall, some were short, some were very small and some were large, some were athletic and some were so obviously not, some had special needs, some were social, some were loners.  But, all were boys and all were having fun.  They worked together within their troops and followed instructions from their leaders.

Today was a great day.  I got a little too much sun and wind, but I discovered why Bill and Emery (and many, many others) still dedicate a lot of time to scouting.  Hundreds of boys learn how to take care of themselves and others, learn how to interact with the world, experience things they would never be able to experience without the program and grow into men with a proud history as a foundation.  I had the best time today!!!

Never Enough

This last week I have been beating the heck out of myself over my lack of productivity in the last few years and I find that I've allowed myself to buy into a family fallacy.  If you aren't producing something (whether it's a clean house, organized bookshelf or a newsletter or written article - it can be anything from the mundane to the esoteric), you need to explain yourself.

There was no sitting around when I was growing up if Dad was in the house.  Fortunately for all of us, Dad was a busy man and gone a lot!  The exact opposite of that behavior was found in my mother.  So, we lived in a strange dichotomy.  If Dad came home, we found ways to be busy.  The moment he left we dropped all pretense of productivity. 

If he found us sitting down, his eyes would drift around until he discovered something that we could be doing and remind us to get busy with that.  Life was not something to be frittered away. But it was his approval that we all sought, so being productive and getting a nod from him was important.  

Saturday mornings were a riot.  For years, there was a chalkboard hanging on the wall behind our kitchen table.  When we got up, there was a list of things to be accomplished before the day was ours to squander.  He wasn't about to have a household with idle hands.  Consequently I laugh about the fact that I have absolutely no idea what Saturday morning cartoons were - I never watched them.

When my report card came in the door, Dad was always there to check things out.  Straight A's would bring a question (with a bit of a smirk) about where the A+s were.  Yes, the smirk was there, but the intent was also there.  Dad expected me to always achieve more than I had before and do better than I thought was possible.

All of Dad's insistence on productivity was balanced by Mom's pure and utter ... well ... laziness.  The woman was beyond brilliant and could do things well in incredibly short amounts of time.  When I look back on her shortened life and realize the many things that she pulled off in that time frame, I'm overwhelmed.  But, she did them in short bursts of wild, creative energy and then simply stopped.  I discovered a picture of her lying on the couch with the animals at her feet and a book in her hands.  That's a strong memory I have of her.

I spent the first 30 years of my adult life being insanely busy. When I worked in a job, I poured everything I had into it. I can't stand to have tasks unfinished or projects undone so those would get accomplished as quickly as possible and then I'd move on to something else.  But, I always knew that I was desperately missing those quiet moments when I could let my mind be creative and allow myself to actually think through an idea.

So, given the opportunity, I eliminated the frenetic activity from my life and finally had the time to bring my brain online again.

It's been amazing.  

But, you know what?  I don't feel successful or productive or like I've done much of anything with this time.  Now ... stop ... don't try to contradict me ... I'm not finished yet.

I need to come to the realization that being productive is not the best part of my life nor is it the measure by which I will be judged on earth or in heaven.

My life has changed and transformed in these last two years.  I have done more writing than I ever imagined, I have read more and taken in information that I would never have thought possible. I have readjusted my outlook on who I am, learned things about myself that I assume everyone else knew and I just ignored and I'm learning how to focus on the things I want to achieve rather than trying to do everything.  I can't be everything to everyone and I finally figured that out.  That was hard for me.

I will always want to be productive and busy.  I will never stop beating myself up when I don't do all that I think I should be able to do.  These things keep me from being complacent.  

But, when I find myself disappointed rather than motivated, I need to recognize that the fallacy is at work again.  I don't have to be busy every time Dad walks by.  Sometimes I can be reading a book.  

The Day After

One of the things Mark (Pastor Mark Holland, Gretna UMC) talked about in his sermon on Sunday morning was 'the day after.' The day after the crucifixion, all of Jesus' followers were lost. They only saw His death, that's all they could think about.

I remember the days after Mom's death and then Dad's death quite clearly. There was a lot of activity in those days, but the stunning shock of loss was overwhelming at times. I remember the day after Insty-Prints closed. I remember the day after hearing that we would be moving when I was growing up. I remember the day after hearing that Mom had cancer or the day after finding out that Carol had a tumor (benign, but still required surgery). I remember those hideous days when all you can think about is sorrow, loss, tragedy, everything seems bleak.

Today is the day after the Resurrection. This is the day when the disciples and Jesus' followers were trying to find each other to share the good news! They couldn't wait to tell everyone that He actually had conquered death and was back with them, walking and talking!

I remember the day after I made Jesus a part of my life, the day I got my first job, the day after I moved into my first apartment, the day after I got my dog, the day after I was married, the day after I realized I was accepted into seminary. The good news filled me with excitement and anticipation!

There was a very short period of time between the crucifixion and the resurrection. Though it may have seemed like it would never end for Jesus' followers, it did finally give way to something absolutely incredible.

When we are faced with destruction and sorrow, anger, bitterness, betrayal, pain, sickness, death, we have hope that those are here for just a short time. We can release the emotions and move into a resurrection of our spirit.

There have been nearly two thousand years following the Resurrection. Jesus conquered death and sorrow, pain and sickness by bursting forth with life. This 'day after' has not ended yet.

When I face my own dark moments, I think it's important to remember that I am in the 'day after' the Resurrection not the day after the crucifixion.

Death gives way to hope.

Christ is risen!

The stone has been rolled away. The darkness has been washed away by brilliant light. Hope returns to the earth. The greatest love mankind has ever known fills the world and changes everything.

No longer are we bound by sin and death. Those chains are gone.

The great part of this is that it is not about us, yet it is for us that God sent His Son to walk among us. The focus of the Resurrection has never been about mankind and his sin, but about the great miracle, the great work of God who loves His creation more than He loves Himself.

The purpose of the Resurrection is to bring everyone home.

When the Lamb of God was slain on the cross, that would have been enough to take away the sins of the world. He offered His life willingly in payment for our ugliness. That would have been more than enough. God could have stopped the process in that moment and we would have been redeemed. It was finished.

But, God wasn't finished. God isn't finished!!!

Jesus' death on the cross was just the beginning. Death was not the end. He overcame the one thing that each of us must face. He walked away from death.

Where, o death, is your victory?
Where, o death, is your sting?
Death has been swallowed up in victory! (1 Cor. 15:54-55)

When all hope was gone that his friends would ever see Him again, He returned.

He showed us love on the cross. He brought us hope with the resurrection.

Hope is revealed every day because the stone was rolled away, the Savior rose from the dead and will return to reign.

Our God is a living, creating Lord! Darkness can not surround Him. Sin can not bind Him. Death could not contain Him.

We do not have to live in darkness ... sorrow and death have been swept away in one glorious moment by the God who created us and loved us.

Today we celebrate that great love and that incredible hope.

Christ - our Messiah - our Savior is a Risen Lord!

Ninja Writing Mode

Last week, someone who doesn't know me well yet, asked where I'd been for a couple of days as I hadn't spent much time on Twitter and hadn't blogged. I wrote back, telling him that I had gone into Ninja Writing Mode and when I do that I use up all of my 'interesting' in a short period of time.

He asked me to expand a little on Ninja Writing Mode - maybe this is something that is a positive experience in my life.

My immediate response was to negate my activity because I really don't believe anyone should do what I do on purpose. I much prefer to be organized and settle down at 9 am each morning to write. That's what the pundits tell us to do over and over. For most of them, it seems to work. They set their schedule, stick to their schedule and produce page after page of writing - whether good or bad.

I would love to live and work that way. In fact, it is something that I strive towards regularly. But right now this isn't working for me.

I've discovered a lot of things about myself over the last 35+ years (I allow those early years to be discovery of the world - not myself). Here are some things I've learned.

1. If I'm going to do something creative, like writing or designing a graphic project or creating a program, I need to allot myself a four hour minimum time span for the ideas to begin flowing and then get them honed down. The problem is that as I close in on the end of the four hours, if there is something coming up, my mind actually begins processing on the next task and I lose my focus.

2. I can't have chaos in my immediate vicinity. Bills have to be paid, the desktop has to be clear, tasks have to be finished, etc. Once my mind begins to process on an unfinished item, I can't think of anything other than finishing it.

3. I need quiet - maybe even silence. I actually don't listen to music when I'm being creative. Music tends to draw me in and I become part of the creation of music. I sing harmonies, see the note patterns, drum out the rhythms. Music does me no good at that point, my mind is totally distracted.

These three requirements are pretty standard for anyone doing anything creative: uninterrupted time, clear mind and space, quiet.

Since I decided to go on sabbatical awhile ago, I expected that all of these things would become normal parts of my life. I spent 22 years in an intense, fast-paced environment ... heck, an intense, fast-paced life. There were only a few days a year that I felt as if I got quality time given to me in which I could be creative. Most of the time I would wait until Max went to sleep and then go like crazy until 3 or 4 in the morning, only to have to wake up and start my day at 7. After those 22 years, I moved into a different environment that still required me to engage fully with everyone around me every moment of the day. Not a lot of time for individual creativity.

Then, I stopped it all.

I haven't filled my days back up with crazy activity, but I do manage to find distractions that are important to me. When I am in Omaha, I spend time with my family, doing things at church, seeing friends, handling my world. My living space is filled with things that need to be taken care of (I really need a wife) - I can't turn around without finding one more task that should be dealt with before I settle down to work.

So I leave town and head for the cabin where the distractions are at a minimum, phone calls rarely come in, no one is talking to me and the space doesn't actually change when I walk away from it. I get a few short days there, so I know that I need to be as productive as possible.

Enter: Ninja Writing Mode.

I allow myself an hour or so in the morning to reconnect with my electronic world. A lot of my creativity comes from the ideas that I grab while I'm reading blogs, talking to friends, getting input from the world. It might take me awhile to get my head together enough to take a shower and have breakfast, but once all of that is complete, I'm generally ready to go.

The best part of it is, that there are no distractions to taunt me throughout the day. I don't think about a meeting or a social event that I need to get dressed up for. I just write. Once I start the reading and writing, I'm off and I can easily spend 6-8 hours tearing through the next week's writing. If it requires a lot of reading and comprehension, I'll use those hours up with no issue.

I can work like crazy on anything in front of me that doesn't require my mind to wander into unknown spaces to discover new ideas when I'm in the real world. It has never been a problem for me to write papers and do projects that only pull from the surface of my brain with distractions all around me. THAT part of my life is easy to do and blend into the real world. That's what I did for the last 35 years of my life.

But there were those mornings that I woke up and I just knew there was something more my mind wanted to explore and I simply didn't have time to let it run free. I had too much in front of me to handle. I spent too many years shutting down that creative brain.

I like my Ninja Writing Mode. I like exploring ideas and thoughts that I've never before had time to understand.

Imperfections - Self-Reflection

It occurs to me that I might spend WAY too much time in self-reflection. Most of the time I think I'm fairly interesting - at least to myself. But, I guess I can see why I might be alone in that thought. I hope that each of us finds ourselves fairly interesting. In fact I hope that we find ourselves to be darned interesting!

Part of my self-reflection always ends up making me consider why or how I do things and whether or not I should continue down the path I'm walking. For the big stuff in my life, I'm satisfied that God and I have this figured out and I'm totally cool with the fact that He is my guide.

For the little stuff ... there is a lot to be fixed in my life. Let me tell you that is a bit of a crisis for me. Why? Because for heaven's sake, I'm fifty years old! I certainly thought that by now I would have figured out my life and might have rid myself of at least some of my foibles and tendencies to err. But, whenever I spend any time at all in self-reflection, I discover many splotches and imperfections that could be corrected.

Please don't think for a moment that I'm asking you to reassure me as to how terrific I am or try to make me feel better about myself. This is all a very good thing. It's good to re-evaluate ourselves regularly, to ask questions about how we interact with the world around us and to measure our actions within our relationships. Like most of you, I have no problem with the sound belief that I'm always right ... but just in case I might not be correct 100% of the time, I probably need to keep an eye out so that I can readjust.

I share a lot of the changes in my life on this blog. Maybe it's all about accountability. Probably it's all about the fact that I can't keep my mouth shut. Hopefully it's all about real change.

Peter Shallard talks about beating procrastination in his "7 Jedi Mind Tricks for Overcoming Procrastination" and the fourth point is about advertising your deadline: accountability.

I kind of like the idea that I share so much of my self-reflection and hope for change in this blog, so that I will always feel responsible to everyone who might read it, to actually do the things that I write about and to act the way that I encourage others to act. I certainly don't want to be the person with a Jesus bumper sticker on my vehicle flipping off other drivers or the guy who works for Coca-Cola caught drinking a Pepsi in their break room.

As I look back over my day and reflect on my conversations and behaviors, I either come away disgusted or encouraged. If I need to, I will apologize. If I find that I didn't encourage someone that was searching for something in a conversation, I'll make another attempt at communication. If I had an amazing interaction, I will either tell you about it, or ensure that I write about it so that I don't forget. Then, I will wake up tomorrow morning and hope that I'm one step closer to ridding myself of another imperfection.

What are you afraid of?

What are you afraid of?

For the longest time, I feared death. Well, that's not true. I was just plain scared of dead bodies. I even know where that fear came from. Here's the story.

I would have been in early elementary school. One day, mom asked me to run to the church to get Dad for lunch. She could have called him to let him know lunch was ready - aw heck, he came home promptly at noon every day anyway, but it was obviously important for her to get me out of the house for a little while and a 2 block run to the church to walk home with Dad was a great idea.

As I darted into the church, I had to run up the front steps, through the sanctuary to Dad's office in the back. What I didn't realize until I was smack dab in front of it, was that there was going to be a funeral that afternoon and the morticians were there preparing the body for the parade of mourners. I went running up those steps with all of the joy a little girl could have as she went to get her daddy for lunch. I hit the top step just as they were pulling the body up in the casket.

I was stupefied. I couldn't move. Until I did. Back I went down those stairs and I cried and sobbed all the way home. Dad had to make the trek without me. I was finally able to explain to mom what I'd seen and she tried to make it into a non-issue for me, but obviously 40+ years later, I still remember the trauma.

For years I avoided death as often as possible. Dad didn't ask me to play or sing for funerals, I just avoided them. Then, I moved out after college and got a job in a church in Spencer, Iowa. Sharing our parking lot was a terrific funeral home and by golly, I could make some serious extra money by being on call for them whenever they needed a musician. It would be stupid for me to ignore this chance.

The guys were wonderful. They didn't have a clue about my fears, but it always seems as if I was facing some person's loved one in an open casket while either singing or playing. After a year or so, I began to relax. It's still not a favorite thing for me to do, but at least I don't have a strange abhorrence for those situations any longer.

When mom died, Carol, Dad and I sat with her holding her hand until she took her last breath. Death became quite personal to me that night and I realized that mom's final gift to me was removing the overwhelming fear I had.

Her fears were something else. Mom had an intense fear of closed doors. She has friends who remember having to go places with her and walking through the door first so that she could enter a room. Once she'd been in a room she was fine, if the door was clear glass, she was fine. Closed doors terrified her. Carol remembers going places just to ensure that Mom could get into a room to speak or for a class. All Carol had to do was open the door and Mom would be fine.

The funny thing is - when we opened our business, Mom decided that she would make sales calls. Cold calls. She just did it! By herself. She finally had something that was so important to her it overwhelmed her fear.

I still have a lot of fears. Fears that make me say terrible things in reaction to others, or refuse to attempt new adventures. I hate it when I realize that fears stop me from being or doing anything I desire. As soon as I realize that it is fear stopping me, I have to make a decision, whether to allow it to control me or to wrangle control back into my own hands.

Do you recognize your fears? How do you handle them? Do you see any places in your life where you've conquered your fears? Do people around you enable your fear or challenge you to be bigger than your fears?

John said that "perfect love casts out fear." (1 John 4:18)

What is your superpower?

Last night I watched as a Twitter cohort commented throughout a Webinar by one of my (now) favorite authors, Seth Godin.

(I'm going to just interject right now - that last sentence cracked me up. 10 years ago it would have made absolutely no sense to me. What changes we have seen!)

Seth Godin calls himself an agent of change. He calls us out on our low-level expectations and less than possible lives. We don't have to live lives of dreary compromise. No matter what we do during the day, no matter where we work, we make the choice as to whether or not our lives are filled with hope and expectation or we're just getting by with minimal input. This isn't the choice of our boss, our family, our spouse, our friends. Our life attitude is our own choice.

I probably find myself drawn to his writing because each day he expects something great to happen and he encourages everyone to make changes regularly so that great things can happen.

Anyway ...

In the burst of tweets coming from this Webinar, one theme struck me - mostly because I wasn't able to answer the question.

What is your superpower?

A superpower is something your friends would agree you are good at. It's the thing you do well that people seek you out for.

I still don't have a concise answer to this question. I am beginning to identify what it is that my friends ask me to do regularly and the things that I love doing for them, but I haven't been able to break it down to a superpower.

Can you? What is your superpower?

Change: Fear it or Love it - But Do it!

For the last several months I have been reading books that seem to center around Leadership, Motivation, Productivity, Management, Business Strategies.

If you know me at all, you might find this reading list a little strange, but what I have been discovering as I dig into the meat of all of this is that these authors are reacting to a great need within our society, in both the personal and business lives of their readers.

I'll sum it up in one word: Change.

We want change. We want to be better. We want more out of life than the mundane existence that seems to hover before us. We want to feel as if we are appreciated and that our talents won't be wasted. We want others to see us as we dream that we can be. We want things to be different than they are now. We want change.

But, that word scares us to death.

I posted that question to my friends on Facebook and most were fully ready to admit that they could only accept change if there was a payoff at the end. They couldn't embrace change for the sake of it. I get that!

Last week at the Camp Logos training seminar I attended, Morris Proctor said this: "Change is always initially viewed as loss."

Change is always initially viewed as loss.

He's right! I was involved in a building campaign to erect a newer, bigger facility for our church. The reaction against that change was vehement and many times practically hate-filled. What I (and many others) saw as an exciting time in the life of the church, was seen by just as many as loss. They were losing the building that they had been comfortable in, they were losing control of the path of the church, they might lose some of their money. They weren't happy with the possibility of change.

New Coke was a perfect example. The company saw a better idea for the flavor of their signature drink, implemented it and the public reacted badly. They were losing something they had been comfortable with for years and demanded that it be returned to them.

People will stay in jobs they despise because they fear change. The known pain is much easier to deal with than the possibilities that exist in the unknown.

All of this is in direct contrast, though, to the level of dissatisfaction that most of us face on a day to day basis in our lives. We complain and whine about everything that we encounter. We lament the fact that we haven't got a more exciting or fulfilling life.

I am grateful for my dad's job. Every four-six years we moved to a new community. Each time I was forced to make new friends and learn how to exist in a new environment. Change was thrust on me over and over again. The greatest piece of that education was that change always makes your life better. The circumstances might not be better, you might have just as many problems, but there is learning and experience that comes with change and that causes you to be better.

Another piece of that education was that I learned to embrace the change as rapidly as possible so as to begin life again. I didn't move into a new community crying about the friends I left behind, I moved in and began to make friends as fast as possible. I didn't move into a new house and miss my old room desperately, I moved in and made my new room a great place in which to live. I didn't cry about how successful I had been with my old teachers, I accepted that the new teachers were going to open my eyes to an entirely new world. I didn't cry about leaving behind a piano instructor that seemed to really understand my talent, I hurried to a new teacher hoping to be challenged and presented with literature I'd never experienced.

Great leaders help those around them move towards a better future (Marcus Buckingham). Great managers help their employees transform to new levels of achievement. Whether I'm reading about increasing productivity or motivating others or leadership, business or management, what I am reading is that change MUST happen or we will never grow.

It seems obvious. But, it's nearly impossible to achieve. Steven Pressfield tells us that Resistance stops us from growth. Seth Godin describes the Lizard Brain as that part of us that keeps us safe and holds us back from risk-taking.

Personally, I love change. I do like to be in control of the change. I'm compulsive that way. But, I know that in my life ... change is always better. Because I'm always better when I grow and change makes me grow.

Is God Big Enough?

Is God big enough?

Is God big enough to love you and the guy who flipped you off in traffic the other day?

Is God big enough to have created beauty in various forms? A glorious sunset and a child with Down's Syndrome?

Is God big enough to forgive a murderer and a gossip?

Is God big enough to have brought forth life by creation and by evolution?

Is God big enough to love an American evangelist and a child born in the mountains of Tibet who might never hear His name spoken?

Is God bigger than politics, wars, religious denominations, differences in doctrine or belief, petty disagreements?

Is God bigger than your sin?

Is God big enough to see past your blustering mouth to the heart within?

Is God big enough to desire that every person since the beginning of time spend eternity with Him?

Is God big enough to find a way to draw us close to His perfection?

Is God big enough?

If God is big enough ... why do we try to limit Him according to our small minds?

We curse the guy who flipped us off. We question the reason for Down's Syndrome. We execute murderers and promote gossip. We loudly argue creation vs. evolution. We buy books and tapes of American evangelists and decide that Hindus and Buddhists are going to hell. We promote our beliefs in politics, denominations, doctrines and disagreements so vociferously to ensure that others know just how wrong they are. We condemn sin in others while failing to see it in ourselves. We are afraid of being tenderhearted because someone might hurt us, so we hurt them first. We decide whose name is written in the Book of Life based on our interpretation of scripture. We forget that God's Son was sent to redeem the world, not just those who are similar to us.

God is big enough. Bigger than we can imagine.

We are made in His image. He calls us to open our minds to love like He loves.

Encouraging Words

What are the words that tell you how special you are?

Between my first and second grade of school, we moved to a new community. While there were only 23 kids in my class, I never fit in. Dad was the Methodist minister, in third grade I had a terrible heart condition that set me apart from everyone else, I was transient and it seemed as if everyone knew I wouldn't be there for long, I was bright, I excelled in my studies and in music. We didn't have a lot of money, so mom made most of my clothes or fixed hand-me-downs from other families in the church. I thought independently and refused to make an attempt to fit in with the crowd. I was different.

Those were the days when girls were expected to invite everyone from their class to slumber parties and birthday parties. My heart managed to act up at one of the first ones I was invited to and Mom had to come get me. Parents weren't thrilled about that responsibility, so I didn't get invited to many more.

I was more comfortable around older kids and adults than I was children my age. One of my best friends was Gladys Rhodes, a much older woman who lived next door.

All of these things combined to beat me down on a regular basis. More than once I came home from school in tears because of the things those nasty little girls said to me during the day. Do you know that I still have an intense fear of leaping onto a stage because my short little legs didn't reach and they laughed at me? That's forty or more years ago!

Every time I would stand in front of Mom with tears running down my face, she took the time to remind me that she loved me, that I was special and that my life was not defined by hideous little girls who were jealous of me.

She took the time day after day to remind me of my uniqueness. She went out of her way to encourage me to stand on my own, even when it seemed I was alone. Those things that made me different - my reading skills, my music, my independent thinking - were gifts and even though I couldn't see how they were positive at that moment, a day would come when I would be grateful.

The amount of time that Mom invested in my self-esteem is what made me who I am. I still hear her voice in my head when doubts assail me. Her words of affirmation continue to remind me that I am unique and special, I am bright and talented.

We don't hear or speak those words often enough. Who do you speak them to? Who hears from you how amazing they are? Who do you build up and encourage with words on a regular basis?

I could ask you who speaks these words to you, but that's not where the focus should be. You see, we spend an inordinate amount of time thinking that the world should tell us how terrific we are. I know it's necessary ... it's very necessary. But, I can promise you that if you invest all of that time you spend worrying about how the world views you - telling others how incredible they are ... finding their strengths and reminding them of those things - you will discover that the world builds your esteem.

I will start ... every single person I know is filled with incredible gifts. As I think about you individually, I can come up with unique traits that make you important to me and to others who love you and rely on your life in their world. I hear your voices, I read your words, I know your heart and I sense your intentions. This world needs what you have to offer.

Tired and Satisfied

I have attempted to get to this blog site for several minutes. Each time I thought about logging in, something distracted me and I spent time reading other random information. It just occurred to me that I had never finished what I started. Ah heck, I really hadn't even started!

Tired. That's just what I'll call it. Tired and satisfied.

The last two days have been glorious. Here's the deal ...

I use this incredibly powerful Bible study software tool from Logos. It is so amazing that there is no way I would figure out all of its power on my own and I am a software power user. There isn't much about software that I can't figure out quickly.

There is a training seminar available and I finally had the time and motivation (and every other impetus) to go. I had told Max that when the training came close enough to Omaha for the trip to make sense, there would be nothing to hold me back.

Kansas City!!! I signed up immediately.

Over the course of the last two days I have been floored by the learning and training that happened for me. At one point this morning, tears spurted out of my eyes because I was so gloriously overwhelmed by the power of the software.

The most fun for me has been just simply learning something new. I've had this software for five years and while I've managed to get a lot of great use out of it with my limited knowledge of the techniques, I have full confidence that ... well, honestly, I have full confidence that I would like to repeat this seminar to cement more of the information. I'm just hoping that as I begin to use the tips and tricks that I learned, they will become second nature.

I could go on and on about both the software and the training. If you are interested at all in Bible study, you should begin to invest in this. There's a package that begins at $150.00. The money that you spend on books would be better invested this way. Everything - I mean EVERYTHING - is linked together to aid your study. If you wanted to study Ephesians 1:7 and had purchased A.W. Tozer's collection of books, you would be able to find everything he had to say in any (and all) of his books about Ephesians 1:7.

Yup, I'm a huge fan.

I spent two nights in KC in a great hotel. However, this morning I woke up with pain in my lower back. Most of the time when that happens (after sleeping on an unfamiliar bed), all I need to do is relax for several minutes and the muscles loosen up and I'm fine. Well, this morning I was running late and had to check out, pack up, get moving, drive quickly, park far away (cuz I was late), haul my stuff into the retreat center, get settled and then sit all day. My poor back just kept getting worse and worse.

I drove for 3 hours to get home and by the time I got into the house, I was a mess. I haven't done this in years! The last time things were so awful (this was before I got married), I was at the cabin with a group from Council Bluffs, most had gone home and when I went to the bathroom, I had to call my father in to help me get up. It wasn't quite that bad, but close.

I've been pushing Advil all day, but Max remembered that we had something from the last time the dog hurt her back falling down some steps. There were two little 1/2 pills left and I swallowed 'em.

Yes, things are relaxing in my back. However, I seem to be more easily distracted and am actually feeling a little loopy right now. I can't understand how my 10 pound dachshund functioned!

I was planning on working within my software tonight, but I think that I'll just lean back in the rocking chair, attempt to read a novel and go to bed early. Tomorrow is another day!

Wow, Random thoughts

I've decided I have one of the most schizophrenic blogs on the internet. I believe that it might have something to do with the randomness that is me. I'd worry about it, except for the fact that I manage to maintain two fairly structured blogs as well (Pour Out A Blessing - study of scripture and God in History - Christian history). Whew! At least I can point to those and say, "There ... see ... I can focus when I need to!"

My blog received a little attention because I used the words "Lizard Brain" in one of the titles this last week. That's the hot new term used by Seth Godin in his latest book "Linchpin." Everyone is talking about it with good reason. It helps us to understand why we allow ourselves to fail. The book encourages us to be more than we can be. The use of those words, though, managed to draw in a few readers just to check out what I do. Great to have 'em, but the rest of my posts are definitely not focused on entrepreneurs or business leaders, etc. They aren't aimed toward Christians or any specific niche group. They're just an outflow of what's happening.

Some of my friends find encouragement by seeing the failures and successes in my life and how I learn through them. To be honest, at the age of 50, I'm awfully tired of still having to relearn lessons I should have managed to learn years ago. Since I am obviously a slow learner, there will be plenty of blog fodder for years to come, I'm afraid.

Then, there's just the random stuff that happens to me throughout the day, or things that I read which cause me to think and observe. I'd like to believe that God shows up every once in awhile through my words. Probably not as often as several of my readers think He should. But, that's not my concern.

Speaking of God, I read a FABULOUS book by Krista Tippett, "Speaking of Faith: Why Religion Matters and How to Talk About It" last weekend. She sees this great, big God. Bigger than the God that many of us try to limit. She quoted Dietrich Bonhoeffer who wrote in 1944, "I'm still discovering right up to this moment, that it is only by living completely in this world that one learns to have faith ... I mean living unreservedly in life's duties, problems, successes and failures, experiences and perplexities. In so doing we throw ourselves completely into the arms of God."

You might need to read that quote again. I had to read it a couple of times to fully comprehend what he was thinking. I loved it! I've been studying a lot of Christian history the last few months and most of the time people worked hard to separate themselves from the world so that they could know Christ better. What a radically different way to look at how we are called to live in this world.

Neither Jesus nor his disciples separated themselves from the world. They waded right into the midst of everything that was happening and relied on God fully. That's what faith is about - standing in the midst of chaos, knowing that God is responsible for everything that happens and we are simply there as His tools. Allowing God to use us wherever we are is faith.

Well, how was that for a totally schizophrenic post. I think I succeeded.

God, don't send me to Africa

1970s. High School. Passionate, angst-filled teenager trying to figure out what her purpose is in life. I spent a lot of time praying about that purpose and the single thing that I prayed out loud was, "God, don't send me to Africa as a missionary."

Over and over I prayed that prayer, because in those days, that's what Christians did if they wanted to change the world. They went to Africa. I didn't want to, and I was absolutely certain that if God got His hands on me, He might think it was a really good idea for me to go to Africa. I did not want that. If you think I'm kidding about praying that prayer over and over, I'm not. You can't imagine how many times I begged and pleaded.

Flash forward. 1984. I'd just started the process of opening a quick printing business with my mom and sister. One of my best friends in college spent a year in Cairo teaching in a Christian school. It was an amazing experience for her. She called me when she was back in the states and as we talked, I realized that this could be wonderful for me as well. I started the process to apply for a position, having completely forgotten my prayers begging God to never send me to Africa.

Doors closed, windows slammed shut. I ended up not going to Africa. It took awhile for me to remember my prayers. But, when I did, I realized that not only was God honoring those, He was reminding me that prayers have power. I'm fairly certain that I heard Him chuckling about the whole thing, too.

I've never tried to go to Africa since that point. I'm not crazy.

Two of my friends are heading to South Africa this month to work with Music For Life, the parent organization of African Children's Choir. They have a lot of money to raise. I'll do whatever I can to get them there. I spent the evening at a fundraiser for them and had a fabulous time. Any chance I get to hear great music (The 9's and Korey Anderson band), I'll take it.

These two girls want to go - more than they want to do anything else. It's a deep-seated passion for them. They have fears about traveling that far from home and doing things that are alien to their daily lives. Unlike me, they chose to ask God what it was He wanted them to do, rather than telling Him what they didn't want to do.

Don't you like the way He honored both requests? I do.

I just hope that at some point when I try to travel to Egypt or Kenya or Uganda or anywhere else in Africa, I can find a way to make it happen without doors and windows slamming shut on me. Because someday I'm going to want to get there. Maybe if I don't go as a missionary, it will be ok.

And by the way, if you have a heart for African Children's Choir and want to support some amazing young women as they go to teach music and dance, let me know ... I'll hook you up.

Shutting up the lizard brain

Talk about a day with ups and downs. This has been filled with all sorts of 'em!

I was awake through the middle of the night, so planned to sleep late, which I did. I woke up feeling pretty good about life and began packing stuff to head home, especially since I'm going to be traveling a bit this week.

As I got on the road, all of a sudden this incredible feeling of malaise hit me. I began crying as I considered what a failure I was in my life. A complete and utter failure. Everything that I've done, everything that I've touched, everything is failure.

Before too long I had myself worked up into an incredibly passionate, self-loathing pity party. There were torrents of rain streaming down the windshield of my car and torrents of tears flowing down my face. I was a wreck.

Oh, I did it all during that period of time. Why in the world did I think I was going to fix my modus operandi (failure) with another degree. If I couldn't succeed with what I already had, how would this change it? I pretty well had myself convinced that it wasn't worth it for me to continue to exist in the world.

Then, for some reason or other, I thought about two words from Seth Godin's book, "Lynchpin." Those two words - Lizard Brain - flashed through my mind and I started chuckling. Your lizard brain is that part of you that believes that you can't do great things. The lizard brain exists to keep you safe. Safety comes from never changing, never growing, never attempting new things. The lizard brain reminds us of our failures so that we won't try that again. It's not a good thing to have going on, but there it is.

I would love to tell you that instead of hearing the words "Lizard Brain," God placed some profound piece of scripture in my heart, but today He reminded me of something that makes a lot of sense to me. When I get all freaked out by my past and my future, it's my fears talking. And fears will never allow me to grow.

Within a few minutes of thinking through the fact that I was allowing fear to mess with my day, I dried my tears and put it all behind me.

The rest of the day has gone quite well. A wonderful dinner with friends, a quiet evening with a good book or two and when I sleep I receive the gift of tomorrow.

You know ... there were some other ups and downs during my day, but once I reminded my stupid lizard brain that it wasn't actually in charge, everything evened out to be pretty manageable. So, instead of looking back on today as stressful and emotional, I get to look back on the day as a success.

Created for a Purpose

Like many people, I participated in the six week study on a Purpose Driven Life, using the text written by Rick Warren. It was a best selling book and inspired a lot of people to think for a short period of time about what might be the reason they were placed on the earth.

If you look at your life right now, are you fulfilling your purpose? Are you doing what God called you to do? If not, why not?

When I was in third grade, I nearly died. All of a sudden the top chambers of my heart would beat abnormally fast. Sometimes the heart would slow itself, but things got to a point where it didn't slow down. We rushed to Iowa City (lived in eastern Iowa at the time) and before I knew it I was hooked up to an EKG for two days, had a rather large needle full of digitalis thrust into my upper thigh and slept with my parents kneeling beside my bed in prayer. What I didn't know at the time was the doctor had told them that if I didn't die, I would have such massive heart damage that I wouldn't be able to live a normal life.

They prayed. Neither thing happened and as I grew older, the problem presented itself as an annoyance, no longer life threatening.

When I was a senior in high school, we took our senior trip to St. Louis. The charter bus was going under bridges in the city when someone up front called my name. I leaned forward just as a very large bolt flew through an open window, ripped an hole in the head of the seat where I had just been relaxing, flew on to another window and shattered it. I saw the face of the person who was talking to me turn ashen and I realized that in that moment my life was spared.

I always knew that God had a purpose for my life. As I prayed about it over the years, I wondered what that purpose might be. I don't know that I have an answer.

But, I do know that I will continually search for that answer. I don't want to sit back and assume that I've either already fulfilled my purpose or maybe I just don't have one. We all were created by God with a purpose.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." (Jeremiah 1:5)

Each of us has a reason to be here. Each of us has a reason that we continue to be here. As long as we live, as long as we can take a breath, God will continue to work out His purpose in our lives if we allow Him to do that.

As long as we sit still and do nothing with our lives, we deny His work within us. He calls us to be all that we can be - not to sit still and allow the world to move around us. He doesn't call all of us to be writers or artists, presidents or physicians. He calls teachers and mothers, construction workers and nurses, gardeners and architects, assistants and salesmen. He calls each of us to find who we are in His will so that the world will see Him through us.

We are created for a purpose. This is not something to take lightly. We can't allow others to define that purpose for us, we can't allow ourselves to be less than who we are. We are created for a purpose.