Every blogger likes to write a New Year's blog. It's a time to reflect on the last year and the New Year is a moment in time that inspires us to think and dream about the possibilities of the next year. I have a tendency to rebel against what 'every' other person does, but the thinking and dreaming I've been doing the last few days has overwhelmed me enough that the words rattling in my brain needed to be flung out into the world.
We spent New Year's Eve sharing Christmas with our friends, Leonard and Fran. It's always fun to spend time with those who are close enough to be considered family. One gift I received was a Moleskine journal. Star Wars, no less.
There is actually a Moleskine journal in my purse that I don't use as often as I'd like, but the moment I opened this, I felt as if I needed to find a way to fill the pages as quickly as possible. It's not going to hide in my purse (which is useful when I'm traveling - no complaining here), but sit on my desk and hang out with me and be real to me this year. I intend to have filled it with weird thoughts, ideas, etc., by the end of the year.
Sidebar: When I was thinking about this blogpost, I opened the journal to the back, because I knew I wasn't spelling the word correctly (there's an e on the end of the word - not Moleskin). Much to my surprise, in the back pocked of the journal, I found this!
Alright, that was my first moment on this path. The second came at lunch with my sister on Sunday. We went to Mama's Pizza - a favorite of mine in Omaha. I had some things I wanted to give her and there was no food in the house, so off we went. We talked about a million things and I have no idea how we got to talking about my life and my next steps, but by the time we left, I had the beginning thoughts of what I wanted to do with myself and how to get it started. Maybe you don't wonder about what you should do with the rest of your life, but I have a hard time capturing what it is that I do best and how to focus that into a lifelong (paying) job. She helped me begin the process. That is huge!
...and that is terrifying. I'm a bit success driven and there couldn't be much worse than failing at that which I love the most. I thought about it and thought about it and didn't sleep as I thought about it and worried about it and then began to get excited and worried at the same time. And it's easier to do nothing because then you don't fail ... on and on and on. (No, I'm not talking about it until I get some more work done towards moving it forward - it's not that big of a deal.)
Last night, one of my favorite singers / authors / all around good guys, Travis Cottrell posted this blog: Fearless Intention. I skimmed through the first part - enjoying the post about his life. Then I got to a paragraph that spoke to my whole being and as I skimmed it, something in my heart shook a little. I went to bed and couldn't get it out of my mind. I came back to it this morning, re read it, then looked at some of the comments. He spoke to a lot of people with these words. We can be so critical, we can be so judgmental and we can be so wrapped up in worrying about others who are critical and judgmental that we stop doing what we are meant to do ... what we are called to do.
These words of his really struck me:
It seems in this blogging / facebooking / tweeting generation, a sense of hyper-criticism has set into our tones. And everything that anybody says is held under such a critical light, it has made me shy away from saying much of anything at all. And before you think I mean that I have not fallen prey to this critical spirit myself, let me say that I have, and that is why I have seen it so clearly. Do people just annoy you sometimes because of what they blog or tweet or say in print somewhere, and you just kind of develop a question in your mind of their character and motives? Yeah, me too. I’ve annoyed myself a thousand times. And I have feared people perceiving me that same way, and so I’ve sort of just shut down.
I hear specific people in my head criticizing or judging me when I write things - so instead of writing, I also shut down. Travis speaks about fearlessness. Moving beyond the fear of that hyper-criticism. Becoming open to the possibilities without regard for the fear. I'm going to try.
And if that wasn't enough, one of my great heroes - Diana Nyad posted this morning that Secret (anti-perspirant - yes - and her supporter) has declared 2012 the Year of Fearlessness.
That was it for me. The moment that I realized how many things had been coming together in the last several days to remind me to move forward in confidence.
Serendipity? Absolutely. Fearlessness? Oh, I'm going to give it my best shot.
