Monday, August 31, 2009

Self-Discovery?

Ok, I'm thankful to all of my friends for not harassing me about my lack of posting to this blog. Either that or I'm annoyed at you all because you didn't miss me. (really, just kidding there - don't respond)

This has been an interesting summer. I'm not sure that I am fully ready to publicly talk about all that has been happening in my life, I tend to do that after I've finished a project, not while I'm in the middle of it. However, in order to get the words to begin flowing from my fingers again, I have to start somewhere. This is my home for that, so it's time.

Last April, I was confronted with myself. I gave myself four months to figure it out. Because, you see, next Tuesday is one of those birthdays that freaks me out. I was fine on my 40th birthday, but when I turned 41, I fell apart. The next years weren't a big deal, but I felt time slipping past me and knew that I was steadily losing my chance at grabbing the desires and my passions. I didn't know what to do about it. I had begun to shed some of the extraneous garbage in my life, a business that was dragging me down, a few of the bits of saved 'junk' in my house, but I was nowhere near being the person that I could be.

At the end of March, beginning of April, I was SLAMMED with the realization that I had allowed myself to become a person who accepted the status quo in my own life while expecting great things of everyone else. It was ok for me to rot away, but I wouldn't accept that in anyone else. I encouraged my friends and acquaintances to do big things, dream big dreams, but I didn't believe that I could actually accomplish anything more personally.

I looked back on the 30 years since leaving high school and saw failure after failure. I saw that I had accepted a life that manipulated me into being mundane. There were a few escapes, but that's all they were. I was dying and didn't believe that I would ever be able to do anything but that.

Until a friend told me, in essence, to stop it. I was so shaken by one conversation that I began to re-examine everything that I was and everything that I believed about myself. What I discovered was that I had put my life on hold and allowed myself to be an extension of the lives around me. I might have looked like I was in charge, but I was definitely out of control of my own existence.

Four months later, I am dreaming big dreams, making big changes, finding my way back to a girl that believed she could do anything at all.

Admittedly, I'm a little more sensible than that 17 year old girl was. I probably won't become a physicist or an astronaut. But, I know that if I wanted to expend the energy and training, I could learn whatever it took to do those things.

The things that I do want to do are going to take a lot of creative energy and a lot of time. But, I'm not afraid of reaching for them now. I have to! I refuse to let the next 50 years of my life be spent waiting for someone to define my life and my ability.

Until I see a lot more positive change occur, I'm probably not going to write here about all that is happening in my life. I don't want to dream big dreams out loud, just in case they change and you all think I'm a complete flake. I am flexible. This is a journey. I'm not sure where we're (God and me) going. I trust Him and I trust that He has given me a mind, a conscience, a sense of purpose and placed His will and desire on my heart.

My goal through the month of September is to begin to write again. I don't feel like hiding any longer from the words that tell you what I'm doing.

5 comments:

Amy Purintun said...

Oh, it's good to hear you again. Keep up the motivation!! Change is good... even if it is slow coming. :-)

Higgiq said...

Yay Diane! I have also been having the "what do I want to be when I grow up" crisis. We will have to discuss the direction that has been sending me.

Fran said...

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been

the foresight to know where you're going

and the insight to know when you're going too far.

I love you my friend and will stand beside you and support you through all of life’s mysteries!

Dianna said...

Good for you Diane. About those big dreams, remember, all things are possible with God.

Ann said...

As always, Diane, I love to read anything you write - you have such a way with words! Thanks for sharing this!
Ann