Saturday, April 21, 2007

My brain is rattling around

I have a million things I want to say today and when this happens to me, I generally become incomprehensible. You see, it's Saturday. The entire day is mine. I have no commitments, I have nothing that is on the schedule. I don't think that has happened in many months. I finished writing the Revelation study last week, so I don't have that pressing in the back of my mind.

This means that my brain is free to roam around and consider so many other ideas. Now, the other part of my reality is that my house is in disastrous shape. If you think I'm overstating, trust me, I'm not. So, as my brain is flying in a million different directions, I am also trying to struggle with how to regain control of my living space. And what am I doing right now? Sitting at my desk with my fingers on a keyboard.

My father would have something to say about that. He was never one for 'free time'. If we were simply sitting in a room that he entered, he would inquire as to what else we could be doing. If we were sitting in that same room with a book in our lap, we were safe. Reading was more than acceptable. Anything that was productive was acceptable, but laziness and frittering away time never was.

My mother on the other hand, was the exact opposite. She fully understood that 'laziness' was not something to be taken for granted. That sitting around with nothing occupying your time allowed the mind to roam and to explore. That allowed a person to be creative. To create something from nothing was her greatest joy. She was a sculptor, a potter, a painter, an author, a poet, a speaker, she even tried to write music. When dad would accuse her of being lazy, she would later produce an incredible piece of art.

They never really 'got' each other in this area. But, they loved each other through all of it. My sister is a lot like my father. She does not like to sit around. Her time is highly scheduled and she always feels like she needs to be doing something productive.

I feel like the dichotomy is always pressing at me. I keep myself very busy. I can be extremely 'task-oriented'. When a task is set before me, I accomplish it as quickly as possible so that it no longer is something in my consideration. I don't have to think about it anymore. Yet, my mind yearns for freedom. Whenever I can sit still without having to do anything, I grab the moment. I wish I had more.

Which brings me to today.

I have filled my last few months with many things outside the home. Max's inability to walk has caused us to revamp our lives. I don't get home in the evening most nights until 9:00 at the earliest - and we always spend a couple of hours wrapped up in conversation so that we can stay connected. When I am home early, we generally go out to eat with friends, and again, we come home very late. It's not an excuse, but it is the reason that my house is in terrible shape. I desperately need to de-trash the place, clean the kitchen, vacuum, clear the dining room table, go to the grocery store, the dry cleaners, the drug store, and I need to buy another trash can - people steal our trash container on a regular basis. It's obvious that they have no preference on design - they take them all!

But, my brain is moving like crazy and I want nothing more than to take a notebook and a few books, get in the car and drive away to a quiet place.

The sink is filled with hot water and dirty dishes, there is a trash bag beside me - nearly full. I've started the 'task' part of the day. You could tell me that I could do all of the tasks this morning and be done with them and then I would be free to allow my brain to roam. You see ... you're right ... but, that's how my father lived. And he never wrote a book, or painted a picture. He never wrote a song or sculpted a bust of his children. He was an amazing provider, but he was driven to work.

I don't know yet how I'm going to handle today.

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