Monday, July 13, 2009

Complete Insanity

I pretty much had a meltdown day. The worst thing was, I saw it coming and could do nothing about it. I did try to keep it from as many people as possible, because sharing my insanity actually only propagates it and doesn't correct it. I knew that my hormones were heading out of control and I knew that I wouldn't be able to manage them.

So, I simply fell apart. I cried and cried and made weird stuff up in my head. I believed the worst about myself and every single one of my friends and family. I kept telling myself, "this is not real, it's only hormones," but even knowing the truth of the situation could not keep the insane thoughts at bay.

Fortunately, for me, all of this insanity is temporary. I can't imagine being a young mother with a newborn child and having a long term bout of post partum depression. The insanity that I was dealing with today could have easily driven me over the edge. Even knowing what I was dealing with, I had to do everything in my power to stop myself from making very poor decisions based on my emotions. If I had to deal with this day after day, hour after hour, for a longer period of time, I would quickly become unable to discern between insanity and reality.

And then, I felt the hormones stabilize and I was able to function again.

I am generally a very pragmatic, level headed person. To lose myself to emotional upheaval is tantamount to plunging headfirst into a rushing river. I do not like to accept that in myself. But at some point, I simply can't change what it is.

I did post on Facebook that I needed to be placed into a padded cell with narcotics. While that is funny, the main thing that needs to happen when I get like this is that I am separated from anyone I love. I will say terrible, terrible things if given the chance. Things that I can't take back. I'm filled with self-pity and ignore everything that is happening around me, focusing only on myself. Oh, that disgusts me!

Padded cell, narcotics to help me sleep through it until I regain sanity. Makes sense to me! Maybe we should just do that for me for the next few years - maybe I'll finally get through this hormonal fluctuation and fully be in menopause. There, that's a great idea!

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

Welcome to my world dear... though I do not get the luxury of blaming hormones... mine is just emotional instability with a touch of crazy! hehehe. Kisses to you (the chocolate kind with Almonds keep them in a stash so the next time you can just eat everytime you get the urge to speak!) xoxoxo