Sunday, August 01, 2010

Apprehension vs. Confidence

When I tell someone that I am nervous about something, they always try to assure me that I'll do fine. 

This morning I led worship at our church while both the pastor and worship leader were at a conference.  Now, here's the deal ... I've been doing this for years - heck, probably before our worship leader was in kindergarten!  I have full confidence in my ability to pull off that type of leadership.

As I drove out to the church this morning, I could feel my emotions sliding all over the place and I recognized that I just needed to name them:  apprehension.

There were enough unknowns that were going to require me to think on the spot and work through issues that I don't commonly handle any longer.  Yes, I can do it ... yes, I'll do it just fine ... yes, it will all be great and yes, I still get nervous.

I look forward to classes beginning in September and realize that I'm really apprehensive about it.  Again, everyone around me tells me that I'm going to do great and they try to encourage me.  Nope, that's actually not the issue.  I know that once I kick into gear, I'll do great.  I was raised by my parents and there wasn't a lot of flexibility when it came to doing well.  I came home with a perfect report card once and Dad asked why there weren't A+s on it.  Sigh. 

But, I still get to have a case of the nerves, right?  I can pretty much guarantee that the early weeks of classes are going to be very emotional for me until I get the structure down in my head ... expectations of the professors, level of difficulty for me, amount of time required for studying and writing.  Oh yah ... I'm apprehensive about all of it!

You know, Paul says "I can do all things through Christ - who strengthens me."  I get that.  I'm grateful for that.   I fully count on the fact that when I feel called by God to move forward, He will empower me and give me what I need.  I move forward in confidence ... most of the time. 

Those nerves can overwhelm me when I head for the unknown.  Leading worship in church is not an unknown by any means.  There's actually not too terribly much that occurs in a worship service that completely freaks me out.  I can handle anything - I've handled so many strange and weird occurrences in a worship service that I don't get too concerned.

Last fall I took a couple of online classes just to see if I would be able to study again.  I made it through those and gained confidence to apply to seminary.  But, here I am ... heading into the unknown and I'm nervous ... apprehensive.

Do I know that I can do it?  Absolutely.  We've been down this path. 

But, I'm still going to be nervous about it, ok?

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