I shut down my computer upstairs, took the dog outside for one last trip around the yard, went to the car to get my Kindle so I could read myself to sleep and in the quiet of the night, began thinking again about how I am less than honest with whomever reads this blog and for that matter, with myself. You see, I still find that I am constantly aware of every word that I put down on paper, so to speak.
For the most part, that's fine. Most of the time you don't want to read what is going on in my head. I'm going to lose my 'G' rating and just say it. I'm a bitch. Most of the time. Some of you know that, some of you don't want to believe it. But, it's real. I know it. I cover it up really well. I've learned how to be gracious and kind. Oh, and trust me. I don't say things that I don't mean. So, I won't lie to you when I am gracious and kind. If I don't think nice things, I simply will say nothing.
But, the running commentary in my head is filled with sarcasm and strange comments and thoughts. All of these are kept to a level of a dull roar so that they don't intrude on conversations. I catch my friends trying to draw my attention back to a conversation and wonder what I might be looking at. Oh, don't mind me. I'm paying attention to a woman who has her skirt hiked up in the back because she didn't look at herself in the mirror this morning and her butt is too big. She needs a different size. But, she's also wearing spike heels and thinking that she is all that. Lady, wash your hair, wear clothes that fit and really? This is appropriate attire for an office? Oh ... I see. You're going to the nail salon on your lunch hour - because your freakin' bright red, long talons aren't scary enough.
And then there's the woman who is chain smoking. Her son is driving (gawd, I hope it's her son) and they are meeting the husband for lunch. She can't be bothered to put out her cigarette before she is good and done with it. She reeks of too much perfume and cigarette smoke, her voice is husky from years of smoking and her gabardine pants should have been left in the 80s, along with her strange hair style.
Yup, these are the things that go on in my mind when I'm watching people. They take only split seconds of my attention, so I try to process on all of the conversations around me.
I was also thinking tonight that I tend to live in a very different world when I'm in my home then I do when I'm with my friends. I am an information-aholic. No, you don't understand. I can't check out a few blogs online. I have to have a blog reader so that I can get MANY of them coming in to my computer. I read blogs from all over the place. If I check out your blog - I see who you are reading and if they are interesting, before long, they are in my blogroll. I can't be left out of the loop. I must know what is happening.
I read a blog by a sci fi writer. I love that she gives a lot of information as she is writing about her process, but I know about her personal life - and I'm not sure why this information is important to me! But, her blogs have taken me all over the place to other writers and people that she knows. I love geek blogs. Wil Wheaton is one of my favorites. He's just really cool. I'm the only person I know that reads these strange things. Who am I going to talk to about them? So, I exist in my little space and contain my thoughts within my brain.
It's a good thing I have Max that shows up every afternoon at 4:30 pm or so and doesn't leave me until we sleep. He listens to my insane ramblings. He doesn't judge me for my snarky commentary on life. He hears what I'm trying to tell him (for the most part) when I read strange items on the net. (sometime you should go to amazon.com and look up condoms. It's just a total "FAIL" on their part - because its standard procedures. But the listing for Trojans tells you that you can buy new and used for $9.99. See!!! strange things in my brain!)
2:40 am and I am probably rambling. I don't know if I've said anything new here. But, that's alright, I feel a little better just by getting words out of my fingers. Good night!
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