Monday, February 09, 2009

It's already February 9

February 9. I'm a little shook up that this much time has happened in the new year.

I remember being young once. I remember thinking that 16 would never get here. Then, 18. I never thought I would get to college. I never thought I would get through college.

21 was no big deal for me. I was living in an age when 19 was the drinking limit. But, 25? Then I would be able to rent a car. When I hit 30, it was ok because Matthew was born that year and there was something more exciting than my old age creeping up on me. Just before I turned 35 I got married. Life was still ok.

I had thought to myself that I had a long time until the year 2000 - and that would be the year I turned 41. But it was so far away that I didn't have to worry or think about it. That is also the birthday that I crashed and burned. I cried that year for the loss of my youth. 30 didn't freak me out, 40 didn't freak me out - but 41 wasn't so good.

Dad used to tease me that I had said something to him when I was very young about how OLD he was at the age of 40. Well, Dad ... you were.

Time seems to speed by and I am holding on to days as tenaciously as I possibly can, yet them seem to slip from my fingers as if I have no grasp on them at all.

I suspect that is why I stay up so late at night. I can't bear the thought of another day slipping by, so I grab as much of it as possible. Now, you see, that's a bit insane, because I sleep through much of the morning. I don't get any more time awake in a day than the rest of you. Don't worry, I know I'm nuts.

I also suspect that is why calendars and journaling (even scribbled notations in the calendar) are so important to me. If I write it down, if I take a picture, if I anchor the memory ... can I make this moment last a little longer?

Maybe this is why I'm so excited about learning Greek and doing some other things in my life. I'm tired of everything being a retrospective with me. I'm scanning all of my old photographs so that I can remember the past. I'm clearing stuff out of my house and while I do that, I remember why I have these things in my life. I do recall being in my early 20s, though and beginning to anchor memories through stories. I've always been this way. Our family has always been this way. The stories were told over and over so that we would remember.

I always get a little melancholy when the first of the year seems to speed by so quickly. But, I have to admit, I yearn a little for the days of childhood that seemed to stretch on forever. Days when playing outside or swimming with my friends were all that I focused on. The immediacy of the moment rather than planning for the next event in my life. What sweet days those could be ... if I could just learn to let tomorrow be what it is and grab today for all it is worth.

1 comment:

Fran said...

..........if I could just learn to let tomorrow be what it is and grab today for all it is worth.


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