Trust

I'm afraid I have a couple of angst-filled posts left in me before I'm done. Forgive me and if you don't want to deal with this, I won't be offended (honestly, I won't even know).

I've been thinking a lot this evening about trust, honesty, chivalry, integrity, honor ... things like that. While I recognize that these things are missing in most relationships that we have these days, they are virtues that we yearn for - in our leadership, in close relationships, in ourselves.

There have been a lot of articles, blogs, stories, etc. regarding Christian leaders and their lack of moral fortitude and in the last few months I think this has overwhelmed me. It's not even the obvious things like pornography, sexual misconduct, embezzlement. It's things like gossip and lying, political plays and sweet words that don't mean a thing because there is nothing to back them up.

I have been having a lot of difficulty in figuring out who to trust. I grew up with a father whose word was his bond. What dad said was his reality. He had a backbone that was straight and strong. I trusted him. Especially as the leader of the churches that he pastored. He engendered trust immediately with the people around him and he never failed them. And that makes me a little emotional because that is the last pastor I've ever felt that I could believe in.

Dad preached against alcohol use and never drank. He preached against immorality and was faithful to my mom and after she died, to his second wife. He preached about financial responsibility and brought churches from near decimation to a healthy budget. He preached about giving and had over 20 different charities that he supported as well as tithing (not just giving) to his local church. He preached about service and went out of his way to help people around him, whether they went to his church or not. Dad was willing to live up to the standards that he set before his congregation and his family. He never gossiped about people within the community - except maybe with mom, but it was always out of earshot of us kids. We had no idea. He didn't allow a critical person to run another into the ground, he stood up for what he believed was right, with little regard to his reputation.

This man made it very difficult for me to become part of other churches and other ministries. He made me believe in the role of the pastor. And he made me believe that this role was so very important that only a very honorable man should be doing it. He didn't think it should be easy and he didn't think that any person could do it.

It has been painful to watch Christian leaders around the country fall apart morally. We question who to trust.

One of the first pastors I worked under after Dad moved away shocked me the first week I sat in the front of the congregation with him. He began pointing people out and telling me terrible things about them. He probably thought that it would flatter me - being taken into his confidence. He didn't know me well enough to do that and it shook me up. I knew that I couldn't trust him.

Then there was the pastor that left our congregation and within a few months of being in a higher position began having an affair. Rather than admitting his problem, he became belligerent and left his family. How could I trust him.

A pastor decided to personally attack me - a volunteer within his congregation - and tried to destroy me. The wounds from that took a long time to heal. I'll never trust him.

A pastor that followed Dad was so weak-willed that the church ran him around until he and his wife were forced to leave. I stayed for the first year of his ministry there and had to leave - it was too painful to watch.

A pastor in a large church here in Omaha that I had a lot of respect for has allowed his ego to overtake his ministry and has split his church.

So in my frustration I find myself wondering where God is going to place me. I'm not in any hurry, but I really don't know who to trust anymore for spiritual leadership. Who has the strength to stand up for everything they know is right - no matter the repercussions? Is there someone that places God before everything else? Will I ever see honor, integrity and honesty again? Will I recognize it when I see it?