Thursday, November 06, 2008

Nothing to Say

You know ... it's really awful when a person who considers herself to be a writer feels like she has nothing to say.

I remember watching couples who had obviously been married a long time sit at restaurants together and never say a word to each other through the entire meal. I was never comfortable with that and I never wanted my relationship with my husband to get to the point that we had nothing to say to each other.

There have been evenings, though, when we were both completely exhausted and chewing and swallowing seemed to be using all of our strength. There was nothing left for conversation. That doesn't happen very often with Max and me. There is always something to talk about, even though he hates to hear that dreaded question, "What are you thinking about?" I know better than to ask it. If Max has something he wants to say to me, he generally just says it out loud and I don't have to ask. I also know that it makes him crazy when I do ask the question, so sometimes I just ask to get him stirred up.

I want to ask God that question sometimes. "What are you thinking about?" Just to get the conversation started. Sometimes I don't know what to say to Him and I'd like Him to start things off.

If it's been awhile since I really took time to listen, I expect that what He is thinking about is disappointment with me, or maybe I feel like I've done something to make Him turn His back on me or hold me at arm's length. These are reactions I receive from people around me when I disappoint them or upset them by hiding in my own world, so I project those same reactions on the relationship I have with God.

Then, I find myself avoiding the encounter and time begins to pass. Before I realize it, days and weeks have passed and I have done nothing more than throw monologues at Him and quickly ask Him for help when it might be necessary. Oh, I tell Him thank you and I tell Him how amazing He is. I have no problem with those short exchanges, but to actually be quiet and listen ... when I suspect that He knows better than I do how long it is and will harangue me regarding that ... I avoid. Human nature, right?

The thing is - God's not human. He's God.

Psalm 28 speaks to this.

Psalm 28:1-2
To you I call, O Lord my Rock; do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you remain silent, I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.
Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place.

Psalm 28:6-7
Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy.
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

Leica just woke up and came in for some affection. She was in bed with Max. She chose to leave me tonight and crawl into bed with him. I wasn't upset that she left, and I was so happy to see her little face when she came in, put her paws on my leg and nuzzled my arm. I suspect that since I'm awake, she also hopes for a quick trip outside. That's ok, I'm glad to take her out.

I actually think that God responds more like that, than with disappointment. You see, He knows everything about me ... when I rise and when I sit, my thoughts, all my ways. I am thankful to be hemmed in - in the cup of His hand ... even when I lose sight of where I am.

And look ... I had something to say after all.

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